My blood pressure in Wal-Mart today must have been about 200/100. It’s normally 110/70. Why the increase? I stood in line behind a woman who was determined not to pick up her screaming child from her cart. He wasn’t more than 12 or 13 months old and yet when it was time to go and she finished paying, he paused for a second in his screaming as if he thought, ‘Yes, she will finally pick me up.” Instead, as my mouth gaped open, she put him on the floor and made him awkwardly toddle out of the store holding her hand all while he continued his red-faced pleas at maximum volume.

On the other extreme, last week when I was in the dairy section of my grocery store, I saw a woman who had her baby strapped to her in a sling across the front of her body. She and I must have been on a mission for the same specials in their weekly ad, because we ran into each other repeatedly in the same aisles. There was nary a peep out of her baby the entire time, who was probably about 6-8 months old. Instead, she sat like a little beautiful little Buddha with her side to her mother’s chest, sucking on and playing with her own fingers as she contentedly peered out of the carrier at passersby.

If you are parenting a new baby through foster care or adoption, your first priority will probably be to bring a feeling of safety and security to your child. What’s one of the most effective ways to do this? Wear your baby! That baby in Wal-Mart wasn’t being belligerent. He merely wanted his mother to pick him up and cuddle him. Your baby spent 9 long months being carried everywhere in her mother’s body, so the rhythm of walking and listening to voices is very natural. Don’t be afraid to wear your baby, even if she is a year or older at placement.

Understand that I am referring here to a baby who may or may not have issues with touch, but I am not referring to a drug addicted baby who is experiencing withdrawal. A baby going through withdrawal of drugs from her system needs an entirely different treatment.

Just as she knew her first mother’s voice and scent and rhythms, your new baby needs to learn yours. Get a carrier and strap that baby to your body. Before you purchase one, try a few different ones on in the store to see which one you prefer. A baby who has not had much touch may be resistant at first, and unfortunately, inexperienced parents may pull away as soon as their baby pulls away. It isn’t easy to bond with a baby who is as rigid as a fence post when you try to snuggle with him. When you try to sing to him and he screams in fear as a reply, it can be a bit damaging to the parental ego. Don’t give up! What he fears the most—human touch—is what he needs the most, and over time he will begin to enjoy it. Understand that progress may be slow. It may be months before he truly enjoys being held, but his attachment to you will be even more delayed if you instead defer to his wishes and leave him lying alone in his crib.

On the other extreme is the new baby who is so anxiously attached to you, that she screams whenever you put her down. Perhaps you adopted her internationally and she is dealing with new sights, sounds, smells and tastes. You are the only thing that is familiar to her. She too needs to be worn on your body as much as possible to give her a sense of security.

When our family moved to a different state many years ago, Lynn was only 2 years old. She wasn’t even giving up her family, and her foods and scents she was used to pretty much remained the same. Being in a totally new environment, however, was overwhelming to her and was enough to cause her to scream if I even stepped out of her sight in our new home. If a move of 800 miles could do that to a firmly attached 2 year old who wasn’t leaving her birth family, imagine what an international adoption can do to a child.

If you have a weak back, or if your child is very large for her age, you might not be able to carry her all day long. Snuggling her close to you when she is in the grocery cart, or scooping her up every time you move from room to room-even if only for a minute-might be your second best option. You might also be able to convince your spouse to wear the baby whenever possible to facilitate his own attachment with your child.

While your friends without newly adopted babies are worrying about wearing the latest styles, you may make an even better fashion statement by wearing your baby. There isn't a single fashion to be bought in the stores that can compete with the beauty of a blissfully content baby strapped to her mother's chest, sucking happily on her fingers. She knows she is loved, and in her world, there is nothing more important.

photo credit

Maya Wrap Baby Slings

Baby Slings and Carriers