If you had brothers and sisters when you was growing up then you probably noticed that mom and dad were the toughest on the oldest child. Then those rules and idealisms were worn down with each consecutive child. The oldest may have had a nine o’clock curfew and by the time, they got to the youngest it was midnight. When my 24-year-old son was a toddler, I thought he should be potty trained by 18 months. Now how unrealistic was that? I actually asked his daycare workers if they were trying hard enough to take him to the bathroom. He was off the bottle at 12 months on the dot and he could read before he started kindergarten. When he was six and a half I finally had another child and things got a little easier for him.

I tried for 11 years to teach my now adult daughter a few lessons. Things like you need to tell me a couple of days before we run out of dog food or chicken food, not on the day that you don’t have any food. You are too big for toddler toys; your weight will break them. You should shower after playing in your own poop. You need to look both ways before you pull out into traffic. You can find out what you should do by asking.

Do you know what happened? She turned 18, never learned any of those things, and moved out. I could see the exact same pattern in my now 14 year old. Luckily, for her I already learned my lesson about trying to teach these lessons to traumatized children.

I gave the chickens away and dropped out of 4-H. Now, I don’t have to check everyday to see if they have food, water, and bedding. On top of that, I don’t have to yell at any children everyday for not doing it. I brought the bag of dog food into the house and I fill the bowls everyday so I know they are getting enough. When the bag gets low, I know to buy more dog food.

While that does make another job for me, it eliminates a daily point of contention. I took over feeding the horses every day too. I used to do it, before I broke my back five years ago. While this is an extra job for me each day, I know they are being fed, bedded, and groomed and they no longer have mysterious haircuts or injuries.

The other really big one is that I eliminated the workbooks that the 14 year old was working in. I have tried for many years to teach her to write a sentence correctly and she never got it. Now she does her work on the computer. If she cares enough to write well, she will use Microsoft word. I showed her how to check her grammar and spelling. If she chooses not to, then she is the one who will look foolish.

You know she hasn’t gotten in trouble for days now that all of these countermeasures are in place. Funny isn’t it, how taking on more jobs can actually lesson your stress level. So, my oldest daughters had it the toughest because I took so long to learn these lessons.

Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2007