Adopting Siblings, Sibling Group Adoption Blog - The Adoptive Family Is All Bad and the Birth Family Is All Good

12/27/07

The Adoptive Family Is All Bad and the Birth Family Is All Good

Posted by : Julia Fuller in Adopting a Sibling Blog at 01:00 pm , 388 words, 223 views
Categories: Issues with older children

I know it is inevitable that older adopted children will return to their birth family, but it is painful for the adoptive family to watch, and it does not make any sense from a logical standpoint. My now adult children have been flocking to their birth families’ houses on holidays and birthdays since they turned 18. Even though we adopted them through the foster care system, we maintained contact with the birth family members because of their ages at the time, nine and 15. Only one aunt sent cards and notes every single year for Christmas and birthdays so I can fully appreciate their bond and continued contact with her. The others did not call or send anything for about seven years.

On the other hand, our family members saw the children on a regular basis, provided gifts for Christmas and birthdays, and occasionally invited the children out. They embraced the children and treated them equally with the other grandchildren.

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Therefore, from a logical standpoint you would think that they would want to spend holidays with the family that showered them with love and affection for the last 11 years. However, that is not the case. The younger one did not even stop by or call either set of grandparents to wish them happy holidays. The day was spent with the maternal grandparents, was the reason given.

The same grandparents who parented them for two years before they came into foster care. These grandparents chose not to continue parenting them, because they wanted to enjoy their retirement, and didn’t want to arrange their agenda around a school calendar. Then they acted as if the children dropped off the face of the earth even though we live about seven miles apart.

The grandmother stated that she had transported and led Girl Scouts and sports with her children and didn’t want to do it again with her grandchildren. Then we saw her at every single hockey game her grandsons played in, including the tournament in Canada.

As I said already, I know it is inevitable. They are looking for acceptance and they desperately want their birth family members to love them. It is sad their self-esteem and self-worth are so tied into the actions of their birth relatives.

Photo Credit Good vs. Evil
Uploaded on November 7, 2006 by jvh33
Creative commons license

2 comments

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Comment from: lmg1567 [Member]

I am truly dreading this with my kids. Our first three were adopted so young they don't remember any of their birth family. Their paternal grandmother asked for pictures and an update each year, which I've gladly provided, however, she is under the mistaken impression that the kids are pining away, awaiting that day when they turn magical 18 and can be reunited with her. I am currently contemplating writing her a letter to try to explain to her how an FASD brain works. I'd hate for the grandma to be disappointed when they turn 18 and aren't standing on her doorstep, but that's life. I really feel bad for you Julia, I know you're looking at everything you've done all these years and wondering why they'd prefer going to the birth families' home for all the holidays, but I think you have a pretty realistic take on it as well. The kids do desperately want the approval and acceptance of their bio-families, no matter how that affects everyone else. Maybe they even feel guilty in some way that they missed all of those years of family celebrations - like they let their families down by being in foster care/or allowed themselves to be adopted.

Permalink 12/27/07 @ 19:43