If you have adopted children, who were older than newborns at the time of the adoption, then your children have been seriously hurt by the actions or words of another. Why not make a point this holiday season to talk to your adopted children about forgiveness. Certainly, the wounds left behind by abuse, neglect, or abandonment can leave lasting feelings of anger, bitterness, and the desire to retaliate someday. Many times adopted children repress or deny their feelings of bitterness or anger. Perhaps discussing how you have been hurt, how it made you feel, and how you felt after you forgave the person, can help your children identify their feelings. Learning to forgive can improve your child’s sense of well-being, as well as improve their physical and emotional health.
Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a magic formula to forget every wrong committed against you nor does it imply that you condone the actions. In fact, your adopted children will never forget what has happened in the past. By allowing the anger and bitterness to control their lives continues to give control and power to the offender. Making a decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge can help your children live happier lives. It frees their minds to focus on the positive parts of their lives.

Research evidence increasingly points to long-term health problems from holding on to grudges and bitterness. However, according to the Mayo Clinic forgiveness has been associated with

 Stress reduction
 Less hostility
 Better anger management skills
 Lower blood pressure
 Lower heart rate
 Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
 Fewer depression symptoms
 Fewer anxiety symptoms
 Reduction in chronic pain
 More friendships
 Healthier relationships
 Greater religious or spiritual well-being
 Improved psychological well-being

It can be very difficult to forgive the people whom you loved and trusted the most. Their actions may have included lies, betrayal, rejection, abuse, and insults which can be extremely difficult to overcome. Refusing to deal with these feelings of anger and resentment can allow them to grow bigger and more powerful. Your child may replay the scenarios over in their minds repeatedly. They may be swallowed up by their bitterness or sense of injustice.

While we can empathize with them, we also desire for them to have a normal life from now on if possible. Failing to forgive can allow the anger and bitterness to affect every new relationship and new experience. It can lead to drug and alcohol abuse, angry outburst, or automatically thinking the worst about everything. The major benefits of forgiveness are for your children, therefore they can’t base their forgiveness on whether the other person ever apologized or admitted to wrongdoing. Truly forgiving someone can bring a person peace and pave the way for compassion and kindness.

Perhaps your children are harboring guilt for their own actions and feeling resentment towards themselves. They need to recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make them worthless or bad. They need to accept themselves despite their faults and realize that nobody is perfect. From this moment on perhaps they can decide to treat others with compassion, empathy and respect.

Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2007
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