All 3 of my adopted children came to our home with table manners that left a lot to be desired. At times I have thought it would be simpler to put a feeding trough on the floor than ask them for the 1,000th time to please slow down, please chew with their mouth shut, please not talk with their mouth full, etc.

In China, Caleb would spit bones all over the table when eating chicken, and we had to tell him via our guide that it might be OK to do so in China, but the practice would be frowned upon in America...especially at my dinner table. Since arriving home, he has expressed a preference for watermelon with seeds. It appears to him that seedless is no fun since in China he was able to eat watermelon and spit seeds all over the floor.

Obviously some of his eating habits are cultural, but his inability to slow down and even swallow one bite of food while his cheeks were bulging before he shoveled in another bite was starting to get on my nerves. For the first few months, we tried to ignore some of his eating habits, knowing that he already had enough adjustments to make, but now having been home for 5 months, his eating habits have not improved one bit.

I know that Micheline's eating habits came from having to get food before the next child took it all. I was present at her orphanage many times when food arrived at the table and I saw the race for food.

With Caleb, however, I wasn't quite certain why he just could not slow down after having been here for 5 months. We have reassured him repeatedly that he will always have ample food, and even though Ben and Nancy started to slow down after a couple of months in our home, Caleb still seems to eat as if the house is on fire and he must eat his last meal before our entire supply of food burns down.

We had a little chat last week that was rather eye-opening for me. Caleb's English is still slowly progressing, so our conversation included many gestures, but he shared with me that there was a child in his orphanage who was about three times Caleb's size. He would eat his own food and as soon as he was done, he would start wandering the room to take food from other children. If a child still had food and this boy wanted it, he would punch the child repeatedly until the food was handed over. Apparently because he was developmentally delayed, the orphanage workers looked the other way and allowed this behavior to continue. Caleb shared that there was also a girl who was developmentally delayed and although she didn't beat you up, she was much larger than the other children and would just snatch food off of their plates.

Caleb learned very quickly that to avoid being beat up by this boy or having his food stolen by the girl he better eat his food as fast as possible. He also shared that workers in his orphanage didn't like the children to take much time for meals, and would jokingly threaten that they better eat quickly or the workers would give their food to these other children.

I'm not sure how many years my son endured this kind of behavior at mealtimes, but I came to a greater understanding as to why he just can't seem to slow down at mealtimes. If he endured this for even a few years, it's clear why five months has not been long enough for him to slow down. We continue to gently remind him to chew and swallow before he shovels in more food, but realize that it just simply might require more time.

For more information about manners and transitioning from an orphanage to a home see the links below:

Manners - your siblings can learn from you

Transition from orphanage to home