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I have yet to meet an adoptive family with a child affected by fetal alcohol who has not had to deal with sneaking and lying. As the adoptive parents of these children, we often struggle with accepting the child’s inability to control sneaking or stealing, when it often appears to be premeditated. A common scenario that would seem premeditated involves an active effort on the fetal alcohol affected child’s part to search for hidden objects. Once the sought after objects are located, the child often conceals them, usually within the clothing that is being worn. Then the child takes the object to another location to be stashed, or if it happens to be food, eaten.
These incidents happen on a regular basis, sometimes daily, and not just at home. They happen at school, at camp, and unfortunately at friend’s houses. These children affected by fetal alcohol, who sneak and steal, are not just the ones subjected to a period of abuse or neglect before coming home to their adoptive parents. I personally know several families who have adolescent children with fetal alcohol effect who were placed in their homes at birth and still struggle with sneaking and stealing. Some of these families have sibling groups, and each child displays these behaviors. I also know of siblings placed in separate adoptive homes who struggle with the same behaviors.
When the children are toddlers, or even elementary age, we typically dismiss the behavior as age appropriate. We realize that sneaking, lying, and stealing are a stage that many children go through. With proper handling, discipline, explanations, and moral training most children grow out of it.
Unfortunately, our adopted children who were affected by fetal alcohol do not grow out of these behaviors with the consistency of other children. Then they become ostracized from classmates, relatives, and previous playmates because of their unacceptable behaviors. Yet even this negative effect from their peers does little or nothing to modify the sneaking and stealing.
When I look at what appears to be the premeditation of the behavior I am compelled to believe that the child could control it. However, when I consider that every child I know of with fetal alcohol, some thousands of miles apart, displays the exact same behaviors then I must consider another conclusion.
We have been a licensed foster family for over 14 years and have parented around 100 children. I served as a compensated mentor to new foster and adoptive families for several of those years, which made me privy to a lot of information about their children. In the year that I have been writing here at Adoption Blogs, I have made friends with many adoptive families around the country. We have adopted seven children. I mention this to add some credibility to my conclusions.
Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2006
Our daughter does not have these issues in full force. She has what I guess I would call a “normal” 14yo level of sneakiness and lying about small things. Of course, she’s also not officially diagnozed with fasd, but she hits all the markers daily. — Rachel
So, what’s the answer? Do we hang a sign around their necks warning others? Do we pass out information to anyone they may come into contact with? Stealing and lying is going to do more than ostracize them from the community when they get older. My son may look 12 when he’s 18 and act 8 when he’s 18, but legally, he will be 18 with a low-average IQ and he will GO TO JAIL if he continues this behavior. I’m at a loss here as to what his future may hold. I agree that alot of this behavior is just plain impulsive – there must be a region of their brains that is “the first to go” when alcohol is consumed in-utero. How else can we explain how we have “twins separated at birth” in our homes? Also, I can have sympathy for the fact that this is truly “brain damage” in it’s finest form, but my understanding it, and dealing with it daily are two very different things.