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The status quo for many adoptive families is to adopt children younger than the children currently in the family. How many times have you heard the advice, “Don’t disrupt the pecking order?” There are many who feel strongly about never changing the pecking order. It might have negative psychological consequences on the current children. Or, maybe you have heard that older children will negatively influence your current children. Some people are afraid that older children may harm their younger children. Should families only adopt younger children?
Our family has disrupted the pecking order numerous times with our seven adoptions. We always ask the current children how they feel about adopting the next child or children. Honestly, I never remember even one of our 10 children ever saying, “You can only adopt children younger than me.”
I guess it also depends on how much status you give that position. We no longer live in Bible times when the eldest child inherited the lion’s share of the family wealth. Do most families place great importance on being the oldest? Typically, we allow older children more privileges, but that is based strictly on age and maturity. Many older children who are available for adoption are not developmentally the same age as their chronological age. Therefore, a child who is just a few years older, may be emotionally and developmentally much younger.
While you may disrupt the pecking order based on chronological age, you probably won’t emotionally or developmentally. For example, we have a child who is nearly 15, adopted at the age of six. Her developmental age is more in the eight to 10 year old range. We disrupted the pecking order by adopting her. However, our now 13-year-old son, adopted at birth, is emotionally, developmentally, and socially on target. Therefore, he is given more privileges as if he is older than she is.
While her delays are more significant than many children’s are in foster care, it is common for them to be a couple of years behind. This is because most children in foster care did not have the early nurturing and opportunities that your children raised from infancy had.
Related Post:
That’s My Brother, We Came from the Same Mom
Who’s a Sibling in Adoption? Who isn’t?
Why should siblings be placed together?
Should Siblings Available for Adoption be Placed with Their Already Adopted Siblings?
Photo Credit: 2006 Julia Fuller.
I’d like to say that I think it’s awesome when one family can adopt siblings. My sister and I were adopted at the ages of 10 and 14. We vowed we would never leave each other and we are very close to this day. Its always important to at least have that one person that you know, has the same blood running through their veins. It’s the most familiar thing there is for an orphan. My wife and I are looking into adoption and if there is a sibling duo, I think we’ll go for them.
It’ll make the adjustment for the children a lot easier having a “blood” relative with them.
Jason
This is oh soo true. Thanks for saying it Jason. I too was adopted along with my brother and it’s funny. We both have adopted siblings. Its just something that you grow up with when you know you were just like that child. Scared and felt like no where to turn without your sibling. If you have the oppty. to adopt siblings, go for it. You don’t even need to go through a lawyer these days. We did it all on our own with the help of a company to prepare the documents for us. Believe me, adopting is a bit easier than we ever thought possible. Might have helped that we had the babies we wanted to adopt already. It was just a matter of legalities.
Lesley
Thank you all for this wonderful information. I first saw this post about a week ago and really started looking into adopting twins from my husbands neice. I found a company that helps us do the paperwork like you mentioned and have this adoption done without a lawyer! We’re so happy! http://www.myadoptionforms.com/booklet.html Hope this can help someone out there the way it has helped us. Be Blessed.
Our kids ages 11,9,8 are all for adoption. We have talked to them about it and explaned what is appropriate and while we have been approved for adoption the agency does not want to mix the kids ages. Our family does not seem to have a problem with this, we are specifically looking for a sibling group so that they WILL be able to stay together. I don’t know how it will turn out but I wish they would not make things so hard sometimes and let the kids find homes with out all the pre concieved ideas that seem to change as times change.
We have not yet adopted a child – but are seriously thinking about it. Our biological children are spread out significantly (they don’t come easy to us)…. the kids left at home are 15 and 18 months!
We honestly feel maybe it would be good to have some kids to fill in the gap. We thought siblings make sense. But, we do have some worries about finding kids that will fit in with our family – and be fairly easy going. Can anyone out there offer advise? What agency did ariesprincess use to find kids — and not have to use a lawyer? We would really appreciate more information! Thanks!
My wife and i feel that forced adoption should not happen as all the social workers lie to the adoptive familys as to make it more easyer and not to upset you as the brith family will fine them no matter what so watch your backs!!!!!!
Ronald Steven Federici is often described as “the country’s expert in the neuropsychological evaluation and treatment of children having multi-sensory neurodevelopmental impairments.”
He is best described as a “developmental neuropsychologist,” specializing in the treatment of “institutional autism” (which he also calls “post-traumatic autism,” or “post-institutional autistic syndrome”).
Dr. Federici is licensed by the Virginia Board, and is the holder of a Psy. D. degree.
Dr. Ronald Federici is the author of “Help for the Hopeless Child: A Guide for Families, With Special Discussion for Assessing and Treating the Post-Institutionalized Child” and is the founder of Neuropsychological and Family Practice Associates, in McLean, Virginia.
He has worked with adopted children from Russia, Romania, Ukraine and Belarus. He is also the father to seven adopted children of his own.
Federici is also an outspoken opponent of dangerous practices, such as those resulting in the death of Candace Newmaker. In addition, he has also sought to provide as much assistance as possible to children living in orphanages and other institutions with deplorable conditions.
More information about Dr. Federici and his work can be found at:
http://ronaldfederici.wordpress.com (Ronald Federici blog)
http://ronfederici.wordpress.com (Ron Federici blog)
http://childrenintherapy.wordpress.com (Children in Therapy)
http://advocatesforchildrenintherapy.wordpress.com (Advocates for Children in Therapy)
http://angelinajolieadoptions.wordpress.com (Angelina Jolie’s adoptions; Dr. Federici is Angelina Jolie’s adoption consultant)