The status quo for many adoptive families is to adopt children younger than the children currently in the family. How many times have you heard the advice, “Don’t disrupt the pecking order?” There are many who feel strongly about never changing the pecking order. It might have negative psychological consequences on the current children. Or, maybe you have heard that older children will negatively influence your current children. Some people are afraid that older children may harm their younger children. Should families only adopt younger children?

Our family has disrupted the pecking order numerous times with our seven adoptions. We always ask the current children how they feel about adopting the next child or children. Honestly, I never remember even one of our 10 children ever saying, “You can only adopt children younger than me.”

I guess it also depends on how much status you give that position. We no longer live in Bible times when the eldest child inherited the lion’s share of the family wealth. Do most families place great importance on being the oldest? Typically, we allow older children more privileges, but that is based strictly on age and maturity. Many older children who are available for adoption are not developmentally the same age as their chronological age. Therefore, a child who is just a few years older, may be emotionally and developmentally much younger.

While you may disrupt the pecking order based on chronological age, you probably won’t emotionally or developmentally. For example, we have a child who is nearly 15, adopted at the age of six. Her developmental age is more in the eight to 10 year old range. We disrupted the pecking order by adopting her. However, our now 13-year-old son, adopted at birth, is emotionally, developmentally, and socially on target. Therefore, he is given more privileges as if he is older than she is.

While her delays are more significant than many children’s are in foster care, it is common for them to be a couple of years behind. This is because most children in foster care did not have the early nurturing and opportunities that your children raised from infancy had.



Related Post:
That’s My Brother, We Came from the Same Mom
Who’s a Sibling in Adoption? Who isn’t?
Why should siblings be placed together?
Should Siblings Available for Adoption be Placed with Their Already Adopted Siblings?



Photo Credit: 2006 Julia Fuller.