Sometimes families don’t end up with biological and adopted children in the same family as a result of careful planning and preparation… sometimes it just happens. I have often spoken to parents who find themselves parenting nieces or nephews or other extended relatives. While this is somewhat different from parenting children adopted through foster care or international adoption, many of the same issues and challenges are present. Additionally, the biological parents might be more involved in the child’s life…thus creating a unique open adoption situation.


There are several dynamics here that must be explored. If the adoptive parents feel pressured into taking a family member’s children into their home, that resentment or stress or pressure may be reflected in how they approach the child. If the adoptive parents are successful in separating the behavior of the child from the behavior of the parents, there is still the dynamic of knowing the birth parents and perhaps struggling with the choices the birth parents are making. It can be challenging for adoptive parents (especially those who adopted from domestic foster care) to not speak negatively about birth parents whose behaviors resulted in abuse, neglect or abandonment of their children. But it is critical for the mental health and esteem of the child that his birth family is not denigrated. If they made poor choices, the child will need to process that on his own when he is old enough to do so.


If this is an open adoption, and especially an open adoption where birth and adoptive parents are related, that factor can further muddy the waters. It can be more difficult to keep healthy boundaries when “family” includes both sets of parents.


If the adoptive parents are successful in healing a child wounded by trauma and loss issues, that love and loyalty to his new parents can create additional stress on his relationship with and feelings about his birth parents. Of course, this is true for any adoption situation but again, this can be even more difficult to navigate if everyone is related to everyone else.


I think relative placements are a wonderful thing, as are open adoptions, if they are at all possible. Children need to know their roots, and if it is possible to place a child with a relative that is ready, willing and able to parent them appropriately, that is a terrific option.

Photo Credit