When my hubby and I made our decision to adopt 15 years ago, we decided we would be open to any child, regardless of ethnicity or cultural background. The social worker said she wanted to shoot straight with us. In Texas where the majority of adoptable babies and children are not Caucasian, saying we were open to any ethnicity meant we were virtually guaranteed to get a child who was not Caucasian. That was fine with us. We’d done the research. We knew the outcomes for children adopted out of their ethnic group were almost identical to those placed within their groups.
Our first daughter is biracial, African American and Caucasian. Our second daughter is African American. Our sibling group of three that we adopted last November are biracial African American and Hispanic. (Although we’re pretty sure one of them is only Hispanic). Interestingly, even though siblings, even they don’t have the same exact ethnic background. We’ve got an interesting cultural mix going on around here.
I think that while we have done a good job introducing our kids to their cultures and providing them with a wide variety of friends from all backgrounds, it is different than being raised within their ethnic group. Not worse, just different. For a while one of our kids’ bio-moms was berating me about how her child was not being raised as she would raise her. But when I confessed my concerns to a friend of mine, she cried “foul.” She lives on our street and happens to be African American. She pointed out that her kids were no different than mine. It’s true, I think.
We have done our research. We are doing our best to raise kids who are culturally aware — but also color blind. It’s important to us to raise kids who think everyone has worth.
I like the fact that our family portrait is forever changed. My personal pedigree includes Scottish, Welsh, English, Italian, Nezperce Indian and more.I think “ethnic purity” in this day and time is hooey; I’m pretty convinced that if your ancestors have been in the United States more than three or four generations, it’s unlikely that you are purely from any ethnic group. I can imagine a day where all cultures are appreciated and celebrated. I look forward to the day when a family photo like ours is the norm rather than the exception.
Photo Credit: Teresa Harper
You have a beautiful family and each of their individual’ness should be appreciated and respected – including the color of their skin, respectively.
I think the term ‘color blind’ sounds great to most Caucasian folks – it might have great intention but it is just another term that means to ‘ignore’ the color of a person’s skin. That some how ’seeing in color’ is negative. Our society has a very long history of trying to ignore skin color – not in a positive way.
I fully agree that we should raise our children – regardless of their color – to respect, appreciate and give worth to every person regardless of their race, gender, religion, age, etc, etc. But I’m not blind to my child’s skin color and they are not blind to mine.
Acknowledging the differences in our skin and heritage/ethnicities doesn’t have to be negative. But I often find those that practice ‘color blind’ parenting may have adult children with race identity issues/concerns or feel that their race was simply ‘ignored’ – color blind parenting can have the opposite effect – intention might be good but children often don’t understand the ‘area in between’.
I’m not saying that you by any means practice color blind parenting – but I think that it is a term that has to be used carefully and with considered definition. I understand that the term/parenting philosophy was a preached in the adoption community in previous decades – but just as most of the adoption philosophies from the past have proven to sometimes be more harmful to the adoptee this too falls into that category.
Too many adult adoptees of color sharing how they felt that the color of their skin was just ignored – not worthy – the ignoring of it became the elephant in the room that no one would mention or talk about. The hush hushed tones when using the words ‘Black’ or the stammer when saying African Americna.
I agree with your friend, crying foul, the fact is that if the child(ren) had stayed with their biological mother the way she WAS raising her child may be the reason she lost her right to parent. So yes, if she raised her child in the Black community with Black Aunties, Uncles, Grandparents, and so forth. If the children had a Black base to grow from it might have helped them better understand why society is the way it is – helped them identify and find their own identity. But the damage caused by, perhaps, the rest of the parenting philosophy of the biological mother completely outweighs the benefits of growing up with an African American family/community.
The difference between the African American friend’s children and yours is that they have parents who understand personally how society treats those of color – still today. They are able to help their children work through those experiences with first hand understanding. I think a lot of the differences are hard for either family to fully understand until they live in the shoes of the other.
Raising children of color vs. being a person of color is not the same – it doesn’t come with the same upbringing or understanding of the underlying racism in our culture/society – from media, to politics, to the meat counter clerk, to the waitress, to the police officer, and so forth.
BUT that doesn’t mean that we cannot parent children of color and it be positive – one shouldn’t be so naive as to think that by living in the same neighborhood or socio-economic position is the same, same.
Thank you for sharing your experiences!
Brandy
Brandy, thank you for your thoughtful comments. I take your note on “color blind” and I will do some more exploring about it. What I truly meant was that a person’s skin would not be the first consideration given about that person. My kids know they are African American. We have done our best to introduce them to their culture and cultivate friends of all ethnicities, including their own. I know they will probably have some struggles in their future trying to discover which groups they fit in with; in truth, had I known how hard it would be for them, I might have been too chicken to do it. But I have done it and they are ours and now all we can do is do the best we can to equip them for adult life and meet their needs. I so regret the pain and upset it has caused them from time to time.
Side note — the birth mothers chose us, knowing our ethnicity. So my blog was really about me trying to untangle the upset I felt at her (years later) second-guessing her decision. And we all made the best decision we could at the time. Somehow, we must have some faith that with thoughtful parenting and doing our best, that it will, in the end, all be okay.
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