This post was really interesting to me because it reminded me of a dynamic in my family. (One big difference is that my sister and I are very bonded.) My mother used to dub one of us the "good" kid and the other the "bad" kid. We could never be in her good graces at the same time. This dynamic would pit us against each other. However, because of enduring so much abuse together, we found a way to connect despite this dynamic.

I wonder if the children's birthparents did the same thing. It is hard growing up not being seen for yourself and, instead, being in your parent's good graces only as compared to your sibling. If my sister did something good (like getting a good grade on a test), I knew that I was going to be the "bad one" for a while.

- Faith

I wonder if your friend could throw off the cycle by failing to punish the "bad" and reward the "good" for a while, to do that boot camp thing where the team gets the outcome as a unit.

I'd say these girls have an attachment to one another, because they are able to signal who's going to be which role. It's a messed up attachment, but maybe this is a way they were able to feel connected while in chaos.

It's interesting how so many normal phases and interactions get magnified in crisis, or put on kids like Faith mentioned, even for years after.

Hi Faith, Thanks for your insight. In this case, the older daughter was always the good child at the birth home. Her every whim was immediately met. The younger child was always bad and imperfect.

Hi Miriam, Thanks. For 3 years, prior to the adoption, the caseworker would always take the naughty child out for icecream to discuss the problem. There really wasn't any disipline, the agency wouldn't allow it. Now the 10 yo has been in residential 3 times and the juvenile detention twice so far.

Aw, that's tough stuff! I thought, even as I typed my comment that something like that was probably tried.

Some kids go their own ways- bio & adopted both. That's hard to watch.

You've just described my household. Their behavior has nothing to do with me pitting one againt the other, it has everything to do with their control issues and depression. When ds comes home with an A on a test, and we congratulate him, dd gets depressed he is getting the attention. She will either fall into a funk, and when she is depressed she has no desire to do anything but feel poorly for herself, which results in negative behavior ....OR.... she will attempt to get attention back onto her, and she falls back into her rut of seeking that negatively. While she is being naughty, ds is disgusted by her behavior, and feels even better about the positive incident. The roles remain in place until ds gets reprimanded...even for something small. THIS encourages dd to "be good" since her brother is now "the bad guy." Now...these are NOT roles we encourage at all. AND I OFTEN tell them, "I have enough love to give positive attention to 2 children at the same time." They don't seem to buy it. SO....once brother is perceived to be the "bad one," they switch....dd feels empowered, and she will go out of her way to be this amazing helpful girl getting good grades and being sweet....then ds is mad she is getting all the positive attention...and well, the cycle continues. We've tried everything....we've seen multiple therapists and counselors and have done every suggestion, we've reasoned, over loved, ignored, charted, praised, and over looked. We've put them on different tracks at school so they can have different vacations, and have done our best to encourage them to be their own special individual.... But because for so long their relationship was nothing but dysfunctional, they know no other way. I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that these children should not have been placed together. They would have each been much more successful in normalcy apart with visits. dd is RAD with PTSD and some other diagnosis, while ds is only dx with depression. But it is enough to aide the struggle between the two. And they are definitely attached, but it is a dysfunctional attachment, and in no way healthy.

I love both of my children, but I can not wait to see what becomes of them when they go their seperate ways for college....I wonder if they will be allowed the opportunity to grow as an individual, rather than as an appendage of the other child.

My friend currently has mental health wrap around in home services. Doesn't really seem to be making a difference. It will be a long hard road. Divide and conquer. Find summer camps in your area and send them on separate weeks to as many camps as possible. Have your alone time with one, while the other is at camp. My daughter who is now 18 used to go to 4 camps every summer. She loved it, it was a real treat for her and for us. If you could find 4 camps, you could end up having 8 weeks of just one of them at home, giving you one on one time with each one. I did a post last night on when sibs should be separated. While I didn't specifically mention this scenario, it was in my mind as well. http://siblings.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/should-siblings-remain-together-for-adop