Our attachment therapist is big on the idea of object permanence and constancy for children who have attachment issues. Object permanence generally develops by 18 months of age in a neurotypical child, but in a child who has experienced trauma or multiple breaks in attachment, it may not have developed. Your adopted child may be much older and still not truly believe that you will return when you say you will.

A young child who has not developed an identity separate from his parent may also feel that when you are out of sensory contact - ceasing to exist in his mind - that he also ceases to exist. This of course can be a very frightening experience for a child.

So how do we teach the concept of permanence? In a small child, a game of peek-a-boo is often how parents play with their children. Many parents may just think it is a fun activity to do with their child because their baby or toddler will shriek with delight when Mommy's or Daddy's face is uncovered. What parents may not realize, however is that a simple game of peek-a-boo teaches a child that not only do you return when you disappear, but that the parent continues to exist when out of sensory contact.

What do you do if you have an older child who doesn't have a strong sense of permanence but peek-a-boo is a bit babyish for her? A rousing game of hide and seek just might be the thing she needs. Played on a regular basis, she can start to understand that you disappear but will reappear each time. If hide and seek is too frightening for her, you can borrow a bit from the game of Marco Polo played in swimming pools and stay in contact through the auditory channel. Go ahead and hide, but giggle every once in a while to clue her in to the general direction where she should be looking for you.

During the hot summer months, an actual game of Marco Polo in the pool might be just what your child is looking for. If you've never played it, one person is "it" and closes her eyes. The others swim around the pool. When the person who is "it" shouts "Marco", all of the others must reply with "Polo". The person who is "it" tries to catch the others based on where their voice is coming from. You can try to escape by getting out of the pool and running to another part, but if the one who is "it" hears you, she can shout "Fish out of water" and open her eyes. If indeed she has caught you out of the water, you become the new person who is "it".

A third fun game that children love is called Sardines.
Sardines is very similar to hide and seek, but instead of everyone hiding with one person seeking, only one person hides and all the rest start looking. When you find the person who is hidden, you quietly join them. The object is to get as many people as possible crammed into one hidden area (hence the name sardines). It becomes hilariously funny when you are jammed tight in a closet or under a table with a long tablecloth and one or two people are still wandering around looking for the rest of you. The game continues until everyone has found the hiding place.

Lots of laughter, tickles and snuggles with your child when you are "found" makes the game even more enjoyable.

Photo Credit

related links:

Anxious Attachment
Attachment disorder blog
Separation Anxiety and Object Permanence