“Who is your favorite kid, Mom?” “Am I your favorite?” “He is your favorite, that’s why you let him have one of your sodas, right?” “Why do you like my brother best?” “You like the girls better than the boys, don’t you?” “The baby is your favorite isn’t she?” Which version of this question have you heard? If you are parenting several children from various backgrounds then you have probably heard them all, just as I have. For a few years, I tried to argue. I tried to tell the questioning child that I loved them all equally. Eventually, after years of being worn down, I just started agreeing only to hear, “I knew it.” Then I switched tactics and admitted that child was my favorite, but just for today. Then I would dangle the carrot. “Maybe tomorrow, you will be my favorite.”

If you have adopted more than one child from more than one set of birthparents then, like us, you are dealing with a variety of genetically programmed abilities. Then, add into the mix, some early childhood trauma with the children adopted at an age older than birth from foster care, and you have a wide range of abilities and talents. My parents thought each of their three children needed to receive an equal amount of everything. I began my parenting career the same way. It was a difficult adjustment for me to change, but I had to change.

I have children on both ends of the intelligence scale. I have children who cannot carry a tune and children who are musically gifted. I have athletic children and children who cannot even jump rope. How could I possibly treat them all equally? It wouldn’t even benefit them for me to treat them equally. However, because their needs are so different I am sure that at times it appears that one is receiving the lion’s share. I am sure that probably leads the other children to believe that the person receiving the lion’s share is my favorite.



Photo Credit: 2006 Lane Fuller.