I sincerely struggle with whether modelling appropriate behavior is getting us any further than the foo-approach. And I arrive at the conclusion that the modelling is important to the kids who WILL learn from it — and to myself. I guess we really don’t know WHAT kids are learning, until much later. That’s one reason I come here — to hear from parents like you who are much further along this road.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like the biggest fool around, for NOT learning from the repeated, consistent consequences I experience. Not the sharpest pencil in the box, evidently. I want to do this job Smarter, not Harder . . . but in this career Smarter seems to get me nowhere. — Rachel

I also think this is a pretty desperate reach for the mom who apparently can’t find any other way to teach her children to behave. In bio kids, perhaps this is fine. But for kids like ours who are impacted by trauma or neglect or abandonment, it’s just one more time that somebody sticks in their face that they’re just not good enough, they’re losers. Not a message I want to send to my kids anytime, but especially not at Christmastime.

At our house, the problem is that the child experiences a gift as something a whole lot LESS important than she should. I see the person, their effort, the time and care they took to think of, shop for, wrap and deliver the gift. We discuss this as we do the same for others. Of course, I’m an adult, but even her siblings (younger and older) feel and understand the Relationship behind a gift. YES, we want her to feel or BE part of the family — but somehow she doesn’t know how yet. And NO, I don’t see Christmas gifts as rewards for subservience, but as ways of sharing love with one another and with friends and relatives. Joy seems to feel almost none of that. Gifts seem to have whole lot LESS meaning for her — somehow they are experienced primarily symbols of power. She never seems overly happy or excited when opening a gift — a big UNDERreaction is what we have come to expect.

So I think lmg1567 is right about simplifying our holiday gift giving — we have tried to scale things in our family Waaay Baaack. The kids receive perhaps one “big” gift each, and stockings, and group gifts, like games and puzzles to share. Their lives are full of enough junk as it is, and relatives and friends are always very generous. I would much rather give shared experiences as gifts. This Sunday is the performance of the ballet school which Joy used to attend, and I hope to take her, as a surprise. Afterwards I can roll up the program from the performance and put it into her stocking, along with a note saying how nice it was to enjoy it together. So it’s a gift she gets to open early, and it’s one she gets to (or has to) enjoy with Mom.

Rachel

Again, if it actually works, great – but it doesn’t sound like it’s working so well already.

I have to be honest, and say that my first thought was, “how cruel!” If a child asked for something expensive, a tv, gameboy, bike, etc. and did something bad enough to warrant them not receiving that special gift, that would be one thing. However, to lose all of their Christmas presents? I think it is over the top to exclude children from family holidays. If the family chooses to celebrate the holiday by giving gifts, then all of the kids need to receive gifs.
Another thing…What if in September, 6 yo Brandon broke his brother’s favorite toy, stole money from dad’s wallet, and got suspended? That child would lose no gifts, as there aren’t any around that time. Just because it’s december, should 10 yo Joe lose his gifts for cussing at his mom, not picking up his room, and getting detention?

Well, if the children are of the sort that seem to learn from consequences, this will fall into the drastic-but-effective, tough-love category of disciplinary tactics. Honestly, if you are hateful to your brother, why should you even Want any gift he might have chosen for you?

However, what about the child who rarely seems to learn from consequences — will he/she benefit at all from this action?

I have a friend that informed her teenage foster son that Nothing — not one piece of candy, not one pencil — would be opened on Christmas morning, unless there was Something From Him for each person in the family. She said it took a forced march through WalMart and the painful spending of His Own Money, but he finally managed it.

So perhaps holiday gift-giving is an opportunity to teach something like Reciprocity in Relationships (specific), as opposed to Better Behavior (general)?

Rachel