Part One

Our daughter arrived home in late 1989, so we were nearly into the ’90’s the year I became president of the local support group. While I understand different members had different needs and reasons to belong to the group, I felt that as a whole it was rather cultish.


Because we were adopting an Asian child, we were “sort of” OK, although our blondies and our status as “preferential adopters” worked against us with some members. But there were several cliques within this larger group. These subgroups were formed when families received referrals (almost universally from Korea) and then received their children in various waves of time. So each “batch” of referrals and arrivals formed their own subgroup.


One mom with whom I became friends was fortunate enough to be able to adopt an infant boy domestically. A mom who was a member of my friend’s “subgroup” (who had welcomed home her Korean daughter at the same time as my friend had welcomed her Korean son) told my friend that “perhaps she should find another support group for her domestically born son…” The implication was, her Caucasian adoptee didn’t fit in this group.


The mom who made this comment also shared her thoughts with me. When I arranged for Pat Johnston to speak about ages and stages of development and how adoption issues factored in, I casually (and with no agenda) asked this mom if she was planning on attending the meeting?


“Why would I do that?” she inquired. “My daughter is only three! She might be dead by then!”


I kid you not, that conversation occurred. This woman had a perfectly healthy 3-year-old girl… no terminal illnesses or problems. This mom could see no reason why she would want to learn about issues 7 years in the future.


This woman became president of the organization after I left… and leave we did.


This situation occurred in the early 90’s and I was attending informative and progressive national conferences that were recognizing the unique challenges of adoptive parenting. I tell this story simply to illustrate the prejudices that used to exist (and still do if you read the adoption forum mentioned in Part One of this series) against “preferential adopters”, as well as the biases and misconceptions and insecurities that can occur in adoptive parents. ALL members of the triad must examine our motives and our willingness to learn and adapt.