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Yesterday, I blogged about the ability of a child with fetal alcohol effect to control sneaking, lying, or stealing. I drew the conclusion that controlling sneaking, lying, or stealing is outside the ability of a child with fetal alcohol effect. This conclusion was based on the similar behaviors of children with fetal alcohol effect regardless of race, gender, adoptive status, or geographic location. Now we must consider whether discipline for inappropriate behavior is appropriate for children who have no control over their behavior. Would it be more appropriate to ignore sneaking or stealing when the child cannot control the behavior?
Would you discipline a deaf child for not following your verbal directions? Would you discipline a paraplegic child for not running to you when you called? Would you discipline a blind child for knocking over a vase and breaking it? Surely, you would not. Do you think these analogies are absurd? I would like to suggest to you that they are not absurd, but very realistic.
We have used consistent discipline for 12 years to no avail, and most of the people I know with fetal alcohol affected children have done the same. All of us have also discussed the moral implications of the behavior with our children. As our children have reached the junior high and high school years, they have all suffered peer consequences and natural consequences for their behaviors.
Why would anyone, especially a child in need of love and approval, continue a behavior that consistently results in negative consequences? Obviously, no one would make that choice. Therefore, the behavior must not be controllable.
I can tell you from experience that consistent discipline and disapproval from primary caregivers for these behaviors results in resentment. The behavior isn’t modified. The child resents the parents and there is a lack of bonding because of the ongoing disapproval. The parents are frustrated and some are angry at the lack of compliance or obedience.
The child is viewed as “naughty” because of the chronic sneaking, lying, and stealing. Therefore, the child does not receive the needed or sought after parental approval. The child’s shame continues and self-esteem stays low.
If you can maintain a positive relationship with the child then self-esteem should rise and shame should begin to diminish. While natural consequences will occur for the child’s behavior, the child can know that the parent is supportive and loving no matter what. This may allow a continued positive relationship when the child is an adult.
Sneaking and Lying in the Adoptive Home Because of Fetal Alcohol
Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2006
Yes, well we are trying to figure out what adulthood will look like around here. “If you can maintain a positive relationship with the child then self-esteem should rise and shame should begin to diminish.” Is this a really terrific thing for someone who consistently makes very poor judgments? Should she feel GREAT about her decisions and CONFIDENT that she is doing just fine, as she is going to-wherever-in a-handbasket? I wish she had just Enough good judgment to ASK for some input before making (or falling into) a decision that will take her south. And if she can’t come up with even THAT level of good judgment, perhaps a little LESS self-confidence will push her to ASK trusted people for input? Believe me, I WANT the positive relationship with her so she will Trust and Ask — but she seems to believe that a positive relationship means she is Doing Great and Doesn’t Need Help. Sorry, I know I’m yelling — kinda low on self-esteem here, any input? — Rachel