"It's MINE!" How many times has a parent heard that from a 2 year old? Developmentally appropriate, right? What if that same statement is being yelled by an eight year old, however, or a 12 year old? That kind of comment is not uncommon from a child who came from a background where she was never taught how to have empathy and compassion for others.

Perhaps it was never modeled in the home or orphanage, or perhaps it was just a Darwinian type mentality that our children had to adopt to survive. Regardless of how our children became delayed emotionally, behaviors that made our child a survivor in their former setting are often ones that don't endear others to your child in a family setting.

Siblings especially may be taken aback as the fantasy sibling they have envisioned all these months in their mind is now home and doesn't want to share and possibly even hits or spits.

So how do you teach a child empathy who hasn't had experience with the concept? I asked my sarcastic 18 year old, and he said, "Knock 'em upside the head and then say 'I feel your pain'". Thankfully he isn't the author of this blog! Here instead, are a few ideas that are hopefully more helpful than his suggestion:

Model, model, model.
If your child is sad or hurt, show true compassion. Believe it or not, this can be easier said than done with some children. Older children who have never had compassion shown to them may start to make up all kinds of imagined injuries to show you just so they can get some love and attention. I have one thing to say...give it to them. From my limited experience, the child who is shown tenderness and compassion is far more likely to turn around and offer it himself when another child needs it. You may have to grit your teeth through your fake smile as you put the fifth band-aid of the day on the imaginary wound of a 12 year old, but remember as they are attaching to you, it is normal for them to regress to an earlier age to get the love and attention they never got before.

Talk, talk, talk.
The child who doesn't pick up compassion just through modeling and observing may need it pointed out to them through words before they can process how to be compassionate to another. "Did you see how Joey got some ice for Colten's knee when Colten fell down? That was a very kind thing to do".

"Do you remember last week when you were sad and missing your friends in Russia and I just held you on my lap? That is how Andrea feels right now. What do you suppose we could do to help her feel better?"

Act it out.
Our newest son has told me that older boys in his orphanage regularly picked on him. He in turn feels it is OK to pick on younger siblings even though he hated it when it happened to him in China. He wasn't making the connection through words alone, so we dedicated a family night last week to acting out situations where we could show empathy. I wrote 8 different scenarios on slips of paper and then had the children choose one, choose a partner, and act it out.

At first, he thought he was hilariously funny to give the wrong response. He would either say or act out an unkind response and then start to laugh. When his siblings told him he wasn't funny, however, he backed off and started to give more appropriately empathic replies.


David Levine, teacher and author of Teaching Empathy: A Blueprint for Caring, Compassion, and Community, suggests an activity for helping children develop empathy in the classroom. It is one that could easily be done at home as well and is called the Event Empathy Action (EEA) (Copyright David A. Levine). EEA has three steps for the child to follow. If they observe someone being hurt or upset or embarrassed, they are to stop and ask themselves these three questions:

• What happened?



• How is that person feeling?



• What will I do?

These are three questions that I plan to have a family night about and pin up on the bulletin board so we can be reminded daily. Levine states that the goal over time is for the child to be able stop and ask himself these three questions and then reply compassionately.

It may take time....lots of time, but the small baby steps are worth it. Caleb really struggles with saving face and until today has pretty much refused to say he is sorry in an honest way. There have been a few mumbled ones without any eye contact over the past few months, but the tone of voice was not believable at all. Yesterday, however, at bedtime he came up to me. In a clear voice he said, "Mama I sorry I not good boy today. Me be bad, Mama sad. I sorry." He then reached out and gave me a huge bear hug and rested his head on my shoulder. We're taking small steps, but it is progress for which I am very grateful.

Related Links:
Helping an Adopted Daughter's Heart
What adoption teaches an adoptee
Teaching Empathy in the Face of Tragedy
Teaching Children Empathy