How to Deal with Sibling Rivalry

Before you had a second child, did you have visions of your children happily playing together with nary a squabble, only to discover that they fight more often than they get along peacefully?

Do the words “It’s mine!” or “No, you can’t play with us!” echo through the halls of your home more often than “Sure, I’d be happy to share this with you”?

Are your children like Janene Wolsey Baadsgard’s children -author of The Roller Coaster Called Motherhood- who stake a claim at the most cherished spot at the dinner table by spitting on their plate?

If so, you’re definitely not alone! Sibling rivalry can rear its ugly head whenever two children are together, but it happens even more often when they are seeking attention from a parent.

In Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., the author uses the image of refilling an empty cup when it comes to sibling rivalry.

Cohen states:

The most typical manifestation of sibling rivalry is competition for those refills. Older siblings watch the baby get perpetual fill-ups just for burping and farting and looking cute. Meanwhile, they look at their own cup and it seems as if the level is always on low. Even worse, nobody seems to care, except to scold them or punish them, which empties their cup even more. Later on, the younger one may feel as if the older one gets all the refills – a later bedtime, more privileges, a real bike. In fact, much sibling conflict can be seen as trying to steal a refill from the other child’s cup – by stealing a toy, making her cry, winning a competition, being smarter, getting him in trouble and so on.

As Cohen mentions in his book, when children are jostling for attention and wanting their emotional cup refilled, is often when we least desire to give it to them. If we are interested in reducing sibling rivalry, however, refilling their cups is one of the best steps we can take.

Just yesterday, Caleb was being downright mean and nasty to Micheline. He becomes jealous of the attention she receives as the youngest, and when he is feeling that way, he doesn’t have much kindness in his heart for her. My first instinct is to get upset with him for being unkind, but I decided to put Cohen’s logic to the test. I asked Caleb why he was being unkind and received the typical “I don’t know” response that he is wont to give. I then took him down to his bedroom, snuggled with him on my lap and asked him if he feels jealous of his sister sometimes. He admitted to feeling that way, and when I asked him how we could alleviate those feelings, he admitted to wanting more hugs and attention.

We brainstormed about ways that we could accomplish this and he agreed that rather than being mean to Micheline when he is feeling needy, he could come and ask me for a hug. He also confessed to feeling angry at bedtime because he feels she receives far more of my attention each night than he does.

Of course everything doesn’t immediately become “and they lived happily ever after”, but this morning when Micheline was proudly trying to show him something and he ignored her, I quietly pointed out to him that she likes praise for her efforts as much as he does. When he then actually acknowledged her instead of continuing to ignore her, I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and whispered to him that I was proud of the choice he had made. I was rewarded with a big grin and a “Mama I do good, yes?”

Another important point Cohen brings out with sibling rivalry is to give up the search for perfect equality between your children.

Give each child what they need, rather than attempting to be equal. The demand for perfect equality is a set up for disappointment.

Cohen uses the example of one child receiving a new pair of boots and the other crying hystericallly because she too wants a new pair of boots even though hers still have enough life in them for another year. I think we have all experienced this with our children. It’s difficult to buy new shoes or clothes for one child without another saying “It’s not fair!” On a bad day, I would reply, “Yeah, well life’s not fair, so get a helmet.” On a good day, however, I realize that what the second child wants is a refill to her emotional cup. Even holding your child while they commiserate with you that they too wanted boots is a step in the right direction. Children do indeed need to learn that life doesn’t always feel fair, but allowing them to vent and sharing with them that we still love them helps refill their emotional cups.

Some of the best advice I ever received from a parent was when he told me “You can’t treat unequals equally.” Every child has different emotional needs and the sooner they discover that you won’t always be looking for perfect fairness, the sooner they will be able to accept that sometimes situations don’t go the way they want. Showing empathy and agreeing with them that “Yes, I know it doesn’t feel fair” goes a long way in letting them know that their feelings are being heard.

related links:
Sibling resentment or rivalry?
Jealousy between adopted siblings

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