Much has been said about the pain that many adopted children have on Mother's Day. Theresa, on the adoptive parenting blog has a great example here of how some children react to the day. Some faced abuse in their former homes or institutions, hence Mother's Day doesn't exactly conjure up images of peaceful home and hearth in their minds.

Today, however, I would like to focus on the perspective of an adoptive Mother and how I feel about the pain my children have faced. The mere fact that I love my children causes much pain in my heart when I see their pain.

I was chatting with a friend this week who adopted a child at birth. Even though her daughter was only 3 days old at placement and never faced abuse at the hands of her biological mother, she still faced much grieving in her early years for what she perceived as "The mother who didn't want me." Having a closed adoption over 20 years ago, she was never blessed with the open relationship that many children are lucky to have today with their birth mothers.

Her adoptive Mother said something that really hit me..."I have days where I would like to just shake her first mother and say, 'Why did you have to place her for adoption? She has a pain that only YOU can heal...an emptiness that I can never fill no matter how much I try.' " Her daughter's pain was causing my friend Catherine much pain as well.

Contrast her words with those of another friend who has children who have faced much trauma and abuse. We have discussed the pain her children have endured at the hands of others and she said that there were many times she would like to get ahold of those who caused this pain to her children.

Then one day she had an epiphany. She said she was speaking to a counselor about her daughter's issues related to sexual abuse and said, "One day I'd like to get my hands on the man who hurt my daughter and...and...and..." And then it hit her. Do what? Hurt him in the way she had been hurt? Physically harm him? Continue the ugliness, the hatred, all in the name of revenge?

That is when she realized that the best gift she could give her daughter would be to let the anger and hatred go. To focus on her daughter and her daughter's healing, rather than her own anger at an unknown name and face whom she would never meet anyway.

She told me, "I realized that I was cankering my own soul as I spent precious time hating this unknown man, when instead I should have been only focusing on ways that the two of us together could help my daughter heal."

I too admit to having feelings of anger at those who have hurt my children in their former homes. My friend's words impacted me strongly as I realized holding on to these feelings was not benefitting anyone. Neither I nor my children benefit when I focus on anger or hatred for what was done to them. Only through letting those feelings go, do I have more energy to focus on helping them heal. On this Mother's Day--a day which unfortunately causes as much pain as joy to many--I pray that we might all find the energy to "let it go" and seek healing.

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Related Links:
How to help with a child's Mother's Day behaviors
Remember Yourself for Mother's Day
Birth Mothers' Day
Mother's Day Cards