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We took family photos over Easter and I thought it would help my youngest kids feel more grounded to see us all together. For Micheline, however, the new photos raised questions in her mind.
I’ve been struggling to blog this week due to overwhelming family responsibilities, but none of them hit me like the brick my daughter tossed my way tonight. She’s 6…emotionally much younger sometimes, but for the most part right on target as a 6 year old except for the fact that she’s had more pain and trauma in her life than the average child her age.
More loss, more questions of “Who am I really?” and “Where do I fit in, in this family where I am the only person with very dark skin?” I have always known she would not be the only child in our family of African heritage. I’ve never wanted her to look in the mirror and say “There’s no one else who looks like me.” But for now, that is her reality. She’s from Haiti…her two adopted brothers are from China.
This is her story and I have struggled with whether or not I had the right to share some of it. If it helps someone else, however, I think she would agree that it is worth it.
After bringing her new brother home 3 months ago, she has struggled emotionally. Jealousy and insecurity have reared their heads as we have introduced a new sibling into her life. “When do I get my sister from Ayiti?” she asks on almost a daily basis. After all, Ben, just got a brother from China, so why can’t she have a sister from her birth country?
As an aside, I love reading the birth parent/first parent blog because it gives me a perspective on the adoption triad that I will never have from personal experience. I like to think it gives me insight into what my children’s birthmothers might be thinking at times. As I was reading today, I followed a link to Jenna’s personal blog where I read this post about her visit with her daughter. It reduced me to a puddle of tears. This one about family photos made me cry even more. I know adoption doesn’t always equate with warm, fuzzy feelings in adoptees, nor especially in birthparents, but this post of Jenna’s hit me really hard. Maybe because before Micheline came home I did the exact same thing–pasted her in a family photo as I wondered at the time if she would ever make it home to our family.
The orphanage she was in had just shut down their adoption program and I was concerned that our adoption would be stalled forever. I knew she belonged in our family photo the same way that Jenna knew the Munchkin belongs in hers. Our family photo has a happy ending as Micheline is now in our photos in the flesh. For Micheline, however, just like Jenna, there will always be an empty hole in her heart. We’re not blessed with the opportunity of an open adoption where we can share photos, letters and visits.
I’m not aware that I ever inferred in any way that Micheline’s birthmother was deceased, but perhaps she has guessed or assumed that she died. Why else in her six year old mind, would she be living with her adoptive family? She had a lot of hard questions tonight…many for which–in spite of practice runs in my mind–I didn’t have answers. We’ve discussed her early years many times, but never with the intensity she felt tonight.
She came right out and asked me where her first mother was and I had to tell her that I didn’t really know other than somewhere in Haiti. Then she asked where her grandparents were. “The ones in Ayiti?”
“Yes, Mama…my other grandparents. Where are they? Are they dead?”
Again I had no answers other than that I truly hoped with all my heart that she will be able to meet them someday. If not in this life, then in the next. I assured her that whether they were dead or alive, they and her first mother loved her. Some may argue that I can’t know this, but I do. It’s something I feel very strongly in my heart.
She seemed comforted by this and comforted by my assurances of my love for her. But as Jenna put it rather eloquently about her daughter, “…my family will never be complete. She will always be missing even though I know exactly where to find her.”
Like Jenna, Micheline will always have the feeling that someone is missing. The hole in her heart that no matter how hard I try, I can’t fill because I am not her first mother. That woman will always be missing, but sadly for us, we don’t know where to find her.
Times like this are so difficult Heidi… I’m praying things get easier for you and Micheline, which I’m sure they will. I’m not saying her grief will disappear, but I believe her understanding will grow, and that she will learn to cope with her losses, to balance the positives against the negatives… She certainly has a wonderful Mama in you, to help her!
Good luck,
~Stefanie
Makes me think…..
And…I LOVE your new photo!!!! Looks fantastic of everyone.
I truly believe you can work through these tough issues. In my family, my aunt and uncle conceived one child and adopted another from Korea. She, too, had a very difficult time about looking different from the rest of the family. The details of her adoption were also vague, and she had been placed in an orphanage. My cousin spent a lot of her life struggling with this. For her, the world where a mom would leave her child in an orphanage was a terrible way to start off. But she too has overcome this. We always told her that she was born in my aunt’s heart, not her stomach, and that God had a great plan for her. It also helped her to take a trip to Korea when she was older. It is hard to tell a 6 year old that she has the rest of her life to work through her issues, but if you can support her in learning about her culture and give her unconditional love than you will truly prepare her for happiness! Warmest wishes, Mila