part 1

part 2

When we arrived home, Caleb thought he should immediately be allowed to play computer games. I tried to talk to him about what he was feeling, but he clearly wanted no part of it. I knew he was dealing with some pretty strong emotions bubbling to the surface, so I didn't insist on schoolwork, but did tell him that he needed to play an educational game on the computer rather than a Ninja type game that he loves on a Chinese website. That too merited some pouting and whining, so I asked him to come over to me. I typed on the translator while I spoke to be sure he would understand, and asked him if he was sad. He told me no. I asked him if the dancers made him wish he was back in China. He told me no again. I'm not sure if he just didn't want to be swallowed up in grief and hence was avoiding any discussion of his pain, or whether he cannot truly identify what he is feeling.

I gave him a big hug and lots of kisses and told him if he really did feel sad and miss friends in China, that it was OK. I then left him to play awhile. When he was busy this afternoon he seemed OK, but any time he had some down time, his grumpiness would resurface.

After dinner he played a few rounds of the board game Sorry, with his siblings and had a fun time, but as soon as it was time for bed he became quite unhappy. Judging from his behaviors over the past two months, it is pretty clear that his demons of missing and longing for China surface at night when he is falling asleep.

With Ben and Micheline, when their fears would surface, they were always far more willing to share them under the cover of darkness at bedtime. Caleb isn't ready for that yet...most likely because we don't have enough shared language to really discuss his feelings. We have body language, though, and for now it has to suffice. I gave him backrubs which he adores and then massaged his arms and legs, telling him how much I loved him. By the time I got to his feet, he was starting to snore.

I know his grief will continue to come in waves, and often when we might least expect it. It might come due to an odor in the Asian market, or familiar words spoken from the Chinese grocer. I just pray that when it surfaces, we will have the energy to get through it together. Grief--like a bad toothache-- can be so emotionally and physically exhausting, but the only way to deal with it is to muddle through.

I am going to bed tonight with a very sore mouth, but knowing that my tooth is on the road to recovery. Caleb went to bed with some pretty raw emotions, but fell asleep knowing how much he is loved here, and hopefully on the road to recovery as well. I pray that tomorrow when the sun comes up, it will be a brighter and healing day for both of us.

I'm curious how some of you have dealt with grief and loss in your adopted or foster children. Add a comment or send me an email at siblingadoptionblog@adoptionmail.com and let me know how you dealt and/or continue to deal with it.