I haven't written for a few days because I have been nursing a tooth that needed a root canal. For me, going to the endodontist rates right up there with chewing cut glass, so I kept secretly hoping the pain of the toothache would instead go away. Finally when I was popping ibuprofen over the weekend like candy, I decided that getting it over with was far better than continuing to nurse the pain of an aching tooth, and headed in to the endodontist's office today on an emergency basis.

Many adopted children have experienced losses in their lives that they need to grieve over, but like me and my toothache, they really don't want to muddle through it, so often they will just hope that it goes away. They might act hyperactive even though they really aren't, just because keeping constantly busy keeps the pain away.

Some kids head bang to take away the pain of what they are feeling. It's hard for a parent to comprehend how banging your head on a hard surface repetitively can be comforting, but for one of my children it was clearly a self-soothing behavior when he was experiencing too much stimulation.

Trish Maskew in Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child, writes:

Children have less mature coping skills than adults, and may spend only a few minutes at a time thinking about their grief before moving on to another emotion. If they didn't handle grief in this way, it would swallow them. But because kids tend to move quickly through it, their grief is easily disguised.

Maskew quotes adoption therapist Joyhce Maguire Pavao, saying:

"Behavior is the language of children. They tell you things by the way they are acting--developmentally and emotionally they often don't have the words yet to describe their feelings, but actions speak for them."

If I was a Protestant minister, I might be quick to shout a hearty "Amen!" I've seen it in all of my adopted children when they don't want to deal with the grief that is bubbling up inside of them.

One chose to do lots of regression of behaviors to a much earlier age, another banged his head, and all three have exhibited separation anxiety at different levels. One who had a pretty traumatic abandonment still struggles immensely when I have to leave for a couple of days.

Today we went to a performance by the Nai Ni Chen Dance Company. We bought the tickets over 9 months ago, pretty certain that Caleb would be home by then and that it would be something that he --as well as all of the family--would enjoy.

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