When I was a young child I was deathly afraid of the dark. I'm not sure what led to my fear, but after turning out the light I would run and jump into my bed, making sure that I didn't touch the tile between the throw rug and my bed. The rug was safe...sort of like "home" in Hide and Seek. After getting in bed, if I tucked my sheets and blankets under my legs, then nothing under my bed could reach up and grab me.

Of course a monster under the bed made no sense, because I always made sure to check under there before I ever turned out the light. It was part of my night time ritual...look under the bed, head toward the lightswitch, run, and then dive from the rug to the bed. Nothing ever turned up under the bed other than a stray candy wrapper or a dust bunny, but childhood fears are not often rational.

If you add childhood trauma to the picture, you are looking at a child who will have even more difficulty going to bed and falling asleep. All of my adopted children currently have or have had difficulty falling asleep, and have shared some of their fears with me. Unlike my early fears, their fears are well founded, relating to abandonment issues or things that were done under the cover of darkness.

When we adopted Ben, a family traveled with us who adopted a much older child. She told her mother that a child was chosen each night in her orphanage to get up around midnight and carry around a chamber pot for the other children to get up and urinate in. Of course as it became full and sloshed over the edge, it was not a pleasant task. Children who wet the bed were often severely punished, so bedtime and the fear of wetting caused much anxiety and sleeplessness.

Another child I know told her mother that she was abandoned at night. She stayed out all night before she was found and taken to the police station in the morning.

Sadly, many children who have been sexually abused have had it happen in their bedroom. A place that should be a safe haven for any child became a place where they were violated. If your child is very uneasy or becomes upset about you lying down with them at night to discuss their day, or if you know that they have a history of sexual abuse, it is best to not ever lie down on their bed with them.

Perhaps after therapy they might be able to handle this, but especially when they are new to your home, that level of trust has not yet been established. You don't want what you think should be a pleasant experience causing them to have frightful flashbacks of abuse. Should you want to discuss their day, do it with them sitting up and with the light on, perhaps out in the family room. Later you might be able to progress to offering backrubs while still sitting on the couch with the lights on and then finally offering backrubs when they are lying down in their beds, but if your child has experienced sexual abuse, this could take a long time.

If my fears of the dark were almost paralyzing at times even though they were unfounded, imagine what your child must be feeling if they have very real fears tied to night time and darkness.

next:helping your child conquer night time fears

bedtime routines

Afraid of the dark

Photo Credit