I have a confession to make...not only do I cut my sons' hair and my husband's, I cut my own on occasion. Yes - gasp! - even the back. Partly due to frugality and partly due to time restraints I often do things to save time and money that others might not even consider.

There are plenty of areas where I prefer the "do-it-yourself" type method. Why pay someone else to do what you can do yourself? It's the reason our adoption from Haiti was done independently rather than through an agency.

Does that mean that if you read enough books you should try the do-it-yourself method for attachment therapy?
After all, I've read Deborah Gray's Attaching in Adoption at least 4 times, as well as Parenting the Hurt Child, Toddler Adoption, Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child, and many others too numerous to mention.

I had also tried a few counselors who were worthless, and that is putting it kindly. As an example, one said "remember this week you aren't going to..." to one of my children and proceeded to mention a homework assignment from the session that was 100% confidential...in front of the receptionist and within earshot of other clients in the waiting room! Needless to say, we didn't go back to her!

After dealing with such frustrations, I said "Forget it, I'll do it myself". Flame me if you want, but an M.A. in social work is not that hard of a degree to get. Get those initials after your name and the next step is to hang out your shingle...doesn't mean you'll be any good, though, as many of us have discovered in the hunt for a good therapist for our children.

The problem with the "I'll do it myself" attitude, however, is that when dealing with hurt and traumatized children, you yourself become worn out. They seem to know how to press just the right buttons and before you know it, rather than being a positive therapeutic parent, you are becoming the clone of Cinderella's step-mother.

You can read all the books and know that your 13 year old is chronologically 13 but 4 or 5 years old emotionally, but your head doesn't always tell your heart. You find yourself wanting to shout "act your age!", and you have no one to emotionally back you up when you're ready to diagnose Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in yourself.

It's also hard to be objective about some of your children's issues when you are the one dealing with them in the trenches every day. It helps to have a sounding board of someone who is a few steps removed from the situation.

Is it hard to find a good attachment therapist? Where I live it sure is! Nigh on to impossible, but once we found one, I wouldn't give him up for a million dollars! He's not even on our insurance plan, but I'm ready to go into the poorhouse for the emotional and moral support he has given me as well as my children.

He has promised to be there every step of the way through our children's healing process, and said that just as my job as a mother is to be there to help my children heal, his job is to be there supporting me through the process.

Let's face it...when you've had enough at the end of a long day, a book can't tell you, "Yes, you screamed at your kid today, but you'll do better tomorrow." Knowing you have an appointment with a therapist for example a week from Thursday, however, can sometimes help you through the stressful moments.

Ours is available by cell phone should we need him, and he is always offering me emotional support, telling me what a good Mom I am being, even when I am not at my best. He often states, "Heidi, even the absolute ideal, best parent in the whole world-if there is someone like that-would be thrown by some of the challenges from these kids, so don't beat yourself up!"

His theory is that we can only internalize what is around us and offered to us on the outside. In a nutshell, "what is on the outside goes inside." Without the positive feedback he offers when it comes to attachment parenting, I wouldn't have much on the outside to put inside.

Am I an advocate for "do-it-yourself" attachment therapy? I think you can see that I'm not. Yes, educate yourself by reading everything you can get your hands on, but sometimes you need the experience and expertise of someone who has been around the block a few times in counseling famlilies with attachment issues.

This of course doesn't mean the therapist will be doing all the work. If you find a winner, your therapist will be giving you all kinds of homework to do in helping the bond between you and your child to grow. However, he or she will be beside you each step of the way, offering empathy and resources that you may need.

From the adoptive parenting blog, here are some ideas of fun bonding activities you can use for bonding with an older child:

11 bonding activities to use with older kids
11 bonding activities part 2
11 bonding activities part 3


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