Many people who are involved in adoption feel that the pecking order should never be changed by bringing in an older child or children. Our family has violated this status quo many times over the past 14 years of our adoption journey. Since we are licensed foster parents, we have frequently been asked to foster teenagers, which temporarily disrupted the pecking order.

The first children we adopted were two girls. The oldest girl, a 15 year old, was 22 days older than our oldest child was. The second girl was 9, and nearly two years older than our next oldest child was. You might say we’ve filled in the gaps over the years.

We have always asked our children how they feel about adopting another child. Since all of our children, except our one-year-old, came to us through foster care, our children were very familiar with the child we were considering adopting. The fastest adoption from foster placement to finalization was 18 months for us; the slowest is going on three years.

The problems between the children have been relatively minor. There were some jealousy issues when one got a job before the other. There was an issue of not wanting to share friends when a child of the same gender was brought in as a teenager.

There was some jealousy by our other children, over the amount of gifts the girls received. They would receive gifts from all of their birth family members, plus all of our family members, and us. We spoke with our children about how difficult it would be to be separated from the only family they had ever known, and how gifts didn’t really make up for that. If there was a particular gift that they needed or really wanted then they were encouraged to put it on their next birthday or Christmas wish list, or use their allowance to purchase it.

Bringing in older children forced me to examine my own heart. When we participated in a 4-H auction and our new daughter’s chickens sold for $200 more than our son’s chickens. Our son had been in the 4-H club for several years, and the chickens were all raised together. When she was hired at a job first, that they both applied for at the same time. I felt pride for her and pain in my heart for our son. She is charismatic and beautiful and people are naturally drawn to her.

Self-examination can be a good thing and I believe it resulted in personal growth and maturity for me. The children seemed to take in all in stride. They have been supportive of each other and seemed to develop “real” sibling relationships within weeks of living together.


Related Post:
Don’t Hate Your Siblings or You Will Risk Depression
That’s My Brother, We Came from the Same Mom
Who’s a Sibling in Adoption? Who isn’t?
Why should siblings be placed together?
Should Siblings Available for Adoption be Placed with Their Already Adopted Siblings?