You have adopted older children and you finally realize that consequences will not work. Some of us have been trying consistent consequences for over a decade and have seen little or no effect what so ever. It turns into sort of a vicious cycle. The child repeats a behavior for the fiftieth time and the child receives the same consequence for the fiftieth time. Each time the child feels victimized and doesn’t understand why the consequences have been administered. The child slumps off feeling sorry for himself or herself not understanding why, once again, consequences have been received.

Has the child learned anything? Perhaps, but not what you intended the child to learn. Instead of learning that the behavior is inappropriate and socially unacceptable, the child thinks that the parents are unfair and mean. The child continues with the behavior, which affects friendships, school, extra-curricular activities, and eventually employment and romance.

I had this same discussion last night with my friend who deletes gifts as a consequence. She has been using the same consequences for the past four years with the sibling group of three. They continue to lie, steal, swear, break windows, and seek out potentially dangerous activities. One child likes to visit the homes of strangers in the neighborhood, of which one is a registered sex offender, or she stops cars and asks for rides. Nothing, including two stays in residential and one in the county juvenile home, has ever altered her behavior other than a change in medication.

Therefore, what do we, the parents of these children, do when they misbehave? Should we just ignore it and continue to show love and affection? I know that one of my adult daughters thinks that I was completely unfair to her growing up. She is just 19 and may realize in a few years that all parents discipline their children. However, if I had ignored her behavior, would I have been a wonderful mother? Would she still be in the exact same position she is in if I had parented her differently? Probably and she might think better of me now.

What about my children who do understand consequences, what effect would it have on them if they always received consequences and the children who didn’t get it, never received consequences? Then perhaps those children would be the ones not speaking to me now, except at gift giving times, if that were the case.

Obviously, I don’t really know the answer. However, I do know that those of us who have said the same phrases a thousand times begin getting frustrated and angry with the receiving child. For many families that has culminated in disrupted adoptions, which I continue to believe are in no one’s best interest. Therefore, the logical conclusion must be that it is better to ignore and let life offer the natural consequences. We can stand by, nod, and ask them what they think they could do differently next time.

Losing Christmas Presents for Unacceptable Behavior

Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2006