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When our first sibling group came to live with us, 11 years ago, we wondered how much influence we could really have, on who a teenager would become as an adult. After all, the majority of teenagers’ childhood is over. Those precious, formative years that we all know are so important are long gone. The children’s first parents, who had agendas much different from ours, influenced those formative years.
Two years after being placed in our home, the sisters became available for adoption. They were already part of our family by then so it seemed natural to adopt them. However, we still wondered how much influence we could have on the adult our now 15-year-old daughter would become. It seemed like we talked and talked to her until we were blue in the face, to deaf ears.
At times, our idea of successfully parenting a teenager to adulthood, included a high school diploma, delayed pregnancy, and delayed substance abuse. While that may seem critical to you, we thought we were being realistic. A family can’t have much influence on a person already set in her ways in just a couple of years. To be honest with you, the first couple of years after the oldest sister left home, we thought that was all we had accomplished with her.
However, our daughter is now in her mid-twenties and has two beautiful babies of her own. She is a wonderful, loving, and devoted mother to them. She would never consider leaving her daughters in the back of a pickup while she hung out. Actually, she usually lets them spend the night with the proud grandma and grandpa, which would be us.
She is a hard worker, well respected for her work ethic by her coworkers. She would not consider being on public assistance indefinitely or swindling her relatives to make a living. Her family is also well liked by their neighbors, which indicates to me that they keep their yard, house, children, and visitors in order.
This tells me that even when you don’t think they are listening or paying attention, they just might be. You can have a tremendous influence on the adult a teenager will become. However, the teenager has to want to change, you can’t do that for them.
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Great post, Julia, and a big coming from me … because at this point there is no indication I influenced Amy at all, and she was a toddler when she came. So much has to do with what the kid wants to absorb.
Julia – Your goals for your daughter were my goals for my daughters (and I got mine as toddlers). With the oldest, all three goals were achieved plus she chose to go on to college and marry before having children.
With the youngest – she got a high school diploma and 5 years later a PCW certificate but she has yet to use either to get a job.
The idea that if you haven’t had the first three years with your child, you are not likely to have any real impact is widely held and really wrong. Yes you can have a dramatic impact on teenagers, but as you say Julia, if they want to let you.
My kids came home in individual pacements between 9 and 13. The result so far? Three are HS graduates, one gets his diploma in June. One in college and one with a vocational certificate. None were likely to make it through HS in the system, or with their birth parents. Super parent? Hardly, but a family and parent that belongs to them. Their values are very similar to mine (except fot their taste in music). John