When our daughters came to live with us they were seven and 13-years-old. They were very pretty, quiet girls, who seemed quite shy. Everyone who met them thought they were the sweetest girls and that we were very lucky to have such wonderful new daughters.

Despite the considerable difference in their ages, they were quite close. The older sister would frequently read stories to the younger or they would play board games together. I would have preferred to split them up, and have them each share a bedroom with a child closer in age, but they had to share a bedroom because we had a house full of boys, five at that time.

There were several reasons why it took us a while to figure out that there was a problem. We were relatively new foster parents; we had only had three other foster care placements before they came to live with us. The girls were gone almost every weekend. They had permission to visit both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles whenever they wanted to.

We found out later that the older sister didn’t like church. She was asking her relatives if she could spend the night every Saturday night so she wouldn’t have to attend church. We didn’t argue about them going every weekend because we thought they would be returning to their birthmother soon, and it is near impossible to change a teenager. Years later, after we adopted her, she never missed church or youth group.

It may have taken two years for us to find out that the older sister was hitting her sister behind closed doors. She was also using her little sister for a scapegoat. She would destroy our property and steal (nothing major just candy, pop, change, etc) and always blame her little sister.

Her little sister got into a lot of trouble, but she never stuck up for her self. She never told on her big sister. Later, she was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. I’m not sure it that prevented her from telling or a sense of loyalty prevented it, or if she never really understood the whole thing.

She struggled with “tunnel vision” her whole life. You know, not being able to see the forest because you are always looking at a single tree. She never really understood the big picture of anything and yet she was very intelligent.

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