You are planning a second adopted child, and your first adoption is completely open. What if your second adoption isn’t completely open? How will your second adopted child feel when he is old enough to understand that his big sister sees her birth mother every month and he doesn’t? My husband and I have seven adopted children and four of them have ongoing relationships with their birth families.

When Buck was around six, he began to understand what adoption meant. That is when he really noticed or understood that his sisters were visiting their birth family members. That is what led to him asking why he couldn’t see his birth mother.

First, we contacted his birthmother’s guardian to find out if he could meet with her. Unfortunately, the guardian would not allow any visitation, so we had to deal with the issue.

We explained to Buck that he wouldn’t be able to visit with his birthmother. He was disappointed, but he didn’t continue to ask, once he knew it wouldn’t be possible. We tried to do special things with him, like taking him fishing or out for ice cream, when the girls were visiting their birth relatives.

We know a couple who adopted two daughters. Shortly after the first daughter’s adoption, her birth mother passed away. The second daughter’s birth mother would come and stay with the family a few times a year for a week or so.

They family was able to convince the first daughter’s grandparents to develop a relationship with their granddaughter. At first, the grandparents were hesitant because they were afraid it wouldn’t be a continuous thing and their hearts would be broken. Now she is in her teens and her grandparents take her on vacation with them every summer for two weeks.

While she is away with her grandparents, the younger daughter gets one on one time with both mom and dad. They go out to dinner, they shop, and they go see movies. They have a wonderful two weeks of bonding time.

While there may be some jealousy and some hurt feelings, discussing the circumstances openly and honestly with your child can deepen your relationship. We’ve also included the whole family on visits to restaurants or the zoo, so the other children don’t feel left out.

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