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In my two previous blogs, I discussed the apparent uselessness of discipline in correcting behavior when the child has fetal alcohol effect. I drew this conclusion after 25 years of parenting, with 14 of those years parenting special needs children through the foster care system. The children with fetal alcohol effect who received consistent discipline over the years as well as moral training grew into resentful, bitter adults without modified behavior. Based on this evidence I now believe that it is preferable to raise these children in a happy, loving home and let life offer the natural consequences.
However, as a parent, we certainly need an occasional break from the chronic lying, sneaking, and stealing. What are our options? How can we achieve our goal of being the supportive, loving family when we are constantly bombarded with these behaviors? How can we make our children without fetal alcohol effect feel like we are being fair to them? After all, because consistent discipline and consequences work with “normal” children we will continue to use these techniques with them.
Whatever options we decide on, we need to make sure that we have documentation, witnesses, and use developmentally age appropriate choices. Our fetal alcohol affected children are not always functioning at their chronological age. We need to make sure that we use people for respite who truly understand the ramifications of fetal alcohol effect. This would of course need to be someone who has parented a child with fetal alcohol who won’t fall for lies. If you have read any of Kelly’s blogs about Sammy then you’ll understand this warning.
My friend Rachel offered an interesting alternative today when we were discussing this issue. Her daughter doesn’t need constant supervision at 14. However, if left home alone she would be getting into everything. My 14-year-old daughter goes through everything in the house if left alone as well.
Rachel was able to drop her daughter off at the library to study for a few hours while she attended her son’s soccer game. She was able to have quality and supportive time with another child without seeming to exclude or discipline her daughter.
The library doesn’t allow snacks, drinks, running about, loud voices, or television. Therefore, her daughter can’t really get into trouble. By dropping her daughter off, she is implying that she has the maturity to handle herself alone. She is given some freedom and independence, which may allow some personal growth. She is free to choose books, read, or possibly access the internet on a safe and controlled connection.
We may also find friends with similar children with whom we can exchange respite. If we take turns, we may not have to pay. If they have children near in age to our own, we can suggest that it is a play date instead of respite care. Your family actually gets respite from the chronic behaviors, but it is not a negative or disciplinary action. Instead, it is a positive visitation to build friendships. Sometimes, the conclusion drawn is all in how the action is phrased or presented.
Related blogs:
Sneaking and Lying in the Adoptive Home Because of Fetal Alcohol
Ignore Sneaking Because of Fetal Alcohol Effect
Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2006
