Should you adopt out of birth order? Often people want to be told yes or no to such a question, but like any parenting decision, the issue is not black or white. A variety of factors are involved, with the dynamics and personalities of the children already in your home being a major factor.

Some adoption specialists will tell you that the safest route to take is to bring home a child who will be the youngest in the family. After all, if you gave birth, that is how it would be, and that way you are also not upsetting the "birth order apple cart."

In our family, however, Micheline has a need to currently be the youngest. She not only has a desire to be the youngest, she has emotional needs that would be more difficult to meet if she had a younger sibling. Not that her situation won't change, but for now, adopting a sibling much younger would have been extremely hard on her.

Ben, on the other hand, has begged for a brother his age for quite some time. He also made it clear that he wanted his brother to be from China, just like himself. When we started looking at waiting children, it would have probably been easier emotionally for Jeff and I to bring home a young child, but it would have not been in the best interest of our children. A 2 or 3 year old would not have had much in common with Ben who just turned 11 last week.

We have struggled with the fact that Caleb is 11, but much younger emotionally at times than Ben. Caleb wants to take on the role of older brother since after all,in his mind being 8 months older might as well equate with being 5 years older.

As parents, however, we have felt emotional conflict when Caleb thinks he needs to fill the role of older brother, but then five minutes later wants to sit on my lap. A friend of mine hit the nail on the head when she said, "You see an 11 year old body but have to remember that he probably isn't 11 years old cognitively or emotionally, after spending most of his life in an institutional setting." Caleb often wants to be babied, which is understandable since he missed many of those opportunities in his early years, but then turns around and wants to boss his siblings around. I have to remember that in some ways he is 11, and in others he is not...and it's OK. Acceptance of where he is emotionally at any given time has been one of my hardest tasks.

Caleb has struggled emotionally when he felt that he should be granted all the priveleges that Ben has, since he is older. However, the fact that Ben has been in our home much longer and knows the ropes means that he is often granted priveleges that Caleb doesn't yet fully have.

For example, Caleb was upset that I would let Ben cook and use both the stove and microwave, but wouldn't let him use it without my help. He told me on more than one occassion in Chinese that he was the older brother. Being 8 months older didn't amount to a hill of beans in my mind, though, when he clearly had no clue how a stove or microwave worked. The first hot dog he tried to microwave exploded all over when he set the microwave for 5 minutes. After all, he cooks his noodles for five minutes, so why not the hot dog?

I am sure over time, that Caleb will begin to more fully fit the role of the older brother, but in the meantime he is having to swallow his pride and accept that there are some things that Ben knows that he doesn't, and accept the fact that he can be taught something by a younger sibling. It has been a humbling experience for him, especially coming from a culture where the "older brother" is revered.

We struggled at first with the idea of bringing home a sibling so close to Ben's age and wondered if the virtual twinning experience would turn out positively. For some families, it might be a disaster, but knowing Ben's personality and how he is willing to share almost everything--even his clothes--made it a plus when Caleb came home virtually the same size.

Before you decide whether adopting out of birth order is right for your family, read as much as possible on the issue and talk to other parents who have done it. The final judgment call is yours, however, regardless of what any of the "experts" might say or think. Only you know your family dynamics and what will be in your children's best interest.

Should we adopt an older child?


Encylopedia of Adoption--birth order

Birth Order