A grandmother wants to parent her nine-year-old granddaughter, but at the same time, wants her granddaughter to have a mother and father. The grandmother worries about being too old to parent the child herself. Perhaps she will not live long enough to see her granddaughter graduate and then another family would have to be found anyway. In the end, grandmother chooses to let another family adopt her granddaughter with hopes of continuing her relationship as the grandmother. The adoptive family chooses to cut off contact with the grandmother after the adoption. The grandmother is devastated. If the relationship between the grandmother and the child was a positive one, then chances are that the grandchild is devastated as well. Sometimes, a break may be needed between the previous family and the new adoptive family to allow the child time to create a bond with the new family.

We went through a period like this with our first adopted sibling group. The children were very close to their grandparents. They had lived with their grandparents for several years. When we would try to discipline the children, they would tattle to their grandparents and their grandparents would intervene. The grandparents didn’t think that they needed to ask us if the children could visit or spend the night. The grandparents were facilitating visits with the biological parents.

I don’t know if the circumstances are similar to ours in the case of my reader or not. However, the adoptive family may be dealing with their own set of problems. The first year of an adoption with an older child can be a little difficult, not unlike the first year of marriage. Both parties are getting to know each other. Both parties are learning what to expect from the other and learning to share a household. If the break requested is temporary, these may be some of the reasons.

However, if the adoptive family thinks that a nine-year-old child is just going to forget nine years of life, then they will be sadly disappointed. With older child adoptions, you should realize that they probably know the phone numbers, addresses, and last names of their relatives. If not, within a couple of years, the child will know how to look them up in the phone book or on the internet. Kids have internet access at school, home, the library, and friends’ houses.

By denying contact permanently, this adoptive parent will risk creating a situation where the child will be compelled to either lie or keep secrets. This is not a good foundation for building a relationship.

My advice, continue to send letters and pictures through the adoption agency a couple of times a year. The family will decide whether to give them to the child, so keep copies at home. If they family doesn’t give them to the child, then you will have them to give when the child comes searching. Make sure the letters are friendly and non-threatening to the adoptive family since they will probably read them. If the family realizes that the grandmother is not a threat, but a positive influence, they may eventually continue contact.

This is what happened for our family. Another family that moved out of state adopted my daughter’s birth siblings. We sent letters and photos at Christmas and birthdays for a couple of years without a response. Eventually, they started writing back and now they even come and visit a couple of times a year.

Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2006