Do you have a child who struggles with attachment? Whether an infant or an older child, is eye contact too difficult for him or her? When Ben arrived home as a four year old, eye contact was way too intense and intimate for him to handle. He loved to be rocked when he was having a hard time, and even regressed for a short time where he wanted to be held and drink from a sippy cup while I rocked him, but would he make eye contact during those times? No way.

How do you encourage children to make eye contact with you, especially if they come from a culture where children are taught to avert their eyes in the presense of an adult? One of the mistakes that many parents make is to say, "Look at me!" when we are upset with our children.

When a child knows you have angry eyes, the last place on earth he wants to look is at your eyes. I can't blame him, and yet I have found myself saying those very words when I have been upset and wanted to know that my child was indeed listening to me.

The time to teach your child eye contact is when you have loving eyes. Make your eyes a place that she wants to look. A place where she can find love and acceptance.

Here are a couple of games that I have picked up from others that make looking into your eyes a fun experience for your child.

1. Sit across from your child, face to face. Play a game where your child closes his eyes and you put an M and M into his mouth. You know the color when it goes in, but have him suck on it for a little while and then ask him to open his eyes and guess what color it was. By this time he has sucked the color away, but whatever color he guesses, you can say, "Yes, you are right!" at least 75% of the time. He won't know whether he truly was right or wrong, but he has had a positive experience all while being close to you face to face. Then let him put an M and M in your mouth while you close your eyes. Since your odds of guessing the right color won't be as high as when you "cheated" a bit in his favor, he will most likely come out ahead on correct answers, thus winning the game.

2. Have your child stand on your feet, facing you. Walk around the room with her feet on yours, but the trick is, you only walk when she is making eye contact with you. When she breaks eye contact, you stop. Boris Gindis, Ph.D., recommends this game in his article on Activities to Promote Healthy Development. Dr. Gindis suggests this game for 3-4 year olds, but I thought it was worth trying with my older children as well. My 6 year old loved it and laughed hysterically as we played it, so I tried it with my 11 year old as well. He only weighs 55 lbs, so it was still doable at his age. He enjoyed the game and even though he struggles with eye contact, surprisingly it wasn't too intense for him.

3. Another old standby that almost everyone has done since they were children is the "staring" game. You look into the eyes of the other person, and whoever blinks or looks away first is the loser. This one can be very intense to a child who is not yet comfortable with eye contact, so a way to make it a bit less threatening is to make silly faces while doing it and whoever laughs first loses.

A quote that I love that I have heard often in the field of attachment is, "it is not the newly-placed older child's job to attach to his or her new adoptive parents but rather the new adoptive parents' job to prove to the newly-placed child that they are worth attaching to." Making eye contact a fun and silly game is a good step in the right direction.

Photo Credit