I still struggle with wanting to be the perfect mother for my older adopted children. I know they have witnessed so many failures over the years by their loved ones. They have been let down and disappointed to the point of expecting it. That is why I have tried to be a super mom over the years. The mom who never changes her mind, misses an appointment, or reneges on anything. It is a tough calling; obviously none of us are able in our own power to pull off such perfection. I have gotten a little better over the years because our children also need to know that it is ok to fail.... more

I have talked about some of my children being very close in age a few times. I have even mentioned that sometimes people ask me if they are twins. This is partly because they have similar hair and eye color. We honestly didn’t plan to adopt children that all looked like birth siblings, it just turned out that way. We didn’t plan to create artificial twins either. The children were placed here in foster care and years later became available for adoption. When they originally were placed in our home, they actually had a return home plan. Obviously, they did not return home. After... more

We have survived 14 years of foster parenting because we are stubborn, consistent, and hate failure. We had already adopted five children and did not intend to adopt another teenage daughter. However, CPS (Children Protective Services) knows that I will offer temporary help in a crisis. That is how our 15-year-old foster daughter arrived at our home. She was only supposed to stay a few days until an appropriate placement could be found. We never thought CPS would consider leaving her with us. You see in Michigan foster homes are not supposed to have more than eight children... more

In my two previous blogs, I discussed the apparent uselessness of discipline in correcting behavior when the child has fetal alcohol effect. I drew this conclusion after 25 years of parenting, with 14 of those years parenting special needs children through the foster care system. The children with fetal alcohol effect who received consistent discipline over the years as well as moral training grew into resentful, bitter adults without modified behavior. Based on this evidence I now believe that it is preferable to raise these children in a happy, loving home and let life offer... more

Yesterday, I blogged about the ability of a child with fetal alcohol effect to control sneaking, lying, or stealing. I drew the conclusion that controlling sneaking, lying, or stealing is outside the ability of a child with fetal alcohol effect. This conclusion was based on the similar behaviors of children with fetal alcohol effect regardless of race, gender, adoptive status, or geographic location. Now we must consider whether discipline for inappropriate behavior is appropriate for children who have no control over their behavior. Would it be more appropriate to ignore... more

I have yet to meet an adoptive family with a child affected by fetal alcohol who has not had to deal with sneaking and lying. As the adoptive parents of these children, we often struggle with accepting the child’s inability to control sneaking or stealing, when it often appears to be premeditated. A common scenario that would seem premeditated involves an active effort on the fetal alcohol affected child’s part to search for hidden objects. Once the sought after objects are located, the child often conceals them, usually within the clothing that is being worn. Then the child takes the... more

Having a toddler at home is so amazing. There is never a boring day, as new discoveries become the norm for each day. My adopted daughter, who just turned 19 months, is utterly fascinated with her belly button. Yesterday, she played with her belly button for at least ten minutes as she sat on her potty chair. She would squeeze it between her fingers, make it into a donut shape, and then bend forward trying to look inside the hole. Then she would laugh hysterically, slap her hands on the cheeks of her face, throw her arms in the air, jump up, and hug me. Then she would sit down... more

Many years ago, a young woman called me for information about foster care. She told me that she did not intend to adopt because she already had three young children. However, she realized that there was a need for foster homes and she wanted to help. As I listened, she explained that she really only wanted to foster infants and toddlers. I asked her if she really thought that she could provide a home to a young child for 12 to 18 months and then walk away. I also explained that our agency had many homes on a waiting list who wanted an infant or a toddler to adopt. Our agency really... more

You have adopted a sibling group. The siblings that are of the same gender share a bedroom. As you walk into the bedroom one morning, you are nearly overcome by the pungent odor of urine. Upon further investigation, you realize the odor is permeating from the carpet in front of the dressers. In fact, the carpet is wet with urine in quite a large area. The siblings that you adopted seem oblivious to the odor and to your investigation. You comment, to no one in particular, “There is pee all over the carpet over here and it makes the bedroom smell bad. I’m glad I don’t have to sleep... more

At 18 months, our beautiful adopted child, Ami, has met many developmental milestones early. Her most recent milestone has to do with self-awareness. She has begun to take her toys away from our four-year-old and strongly say, “MINE.” This self-awareness increased the other night at the grocery store. Ami and I do the family grocery shopping while the older siblings attend AWANA on Monday nights. Ami pointed to a Dora dish set on the store shelf and said strongly, “MINE.” I thought it was so cute that I handed it to her. Then she saw... more