“Who is your favorite kid, Mom?” “Am I your favorite?” “He is your favorite, that’s why you let him have one of your sodas, right?” “Why do you like my brother best?” “You like the girls better than the boys, don’t you?” “The baby is your favorite isn’t she?” Which version of this question have you heard? If you are parenting several children from various backgrounds then you have probably heard them all, just as I have. For a few years, I tried to argue. I tried to tell the questioning child that I loved them all equally. Eventually, after years of being worn down, I just started... more

Does your adopted child hoard food? Do you find food in your child’s bed, under the bed, or in the child’s dresser drawers? When you do find the food is it barely recognizable because it has rotted or been flattened? Perhaps you located the food by the odor permeating the air or the trail of ants leading to it. Hoarding food is a common behavior in children who have been deprived of adequate sustenance early in life. What can we, as their adoptive parents, do to help these children feel safe and possibly overcome this behavior?

One reader, livsmommy, made... more

What if you are fostering a sibling group and the time has come to move towards adoption, but not for the whole sibling group? There are various reasons this might happen. One of the siblings may be acting out in such a way that the agency feels that child isn’t ready to be adopted, but the other siblings are ready. The siblings may not have the same two birth parents, and one hasn’t had parental rights terminated yet. One of the siblings may be eligible for services and the other not.

Unfortunately, these circumstances usually arise with older children who are very aware... more

My youngest 3 children struggle with letting go of some of their orphanage behaviors. As I have mentioned here, they all struggle with food issues and accepting that they will indeed have plenty to eat in our family. All 3 have known pretty intense hunger, so their fears are valid, but you would think that over time, they would be able to process that they have not known true hunger (other than Caleb's experience here)... more

Just as Grant wrote that adoption is never over, I believe that a child who experienced the trauma of abandonment may carry some of those feelings with her for a very long time if not forever.

At age 10, Ben still panics if he can't find me in a store. Most of the time it is because he has wandered away, but as soon as he realizes he can't find me, instead of calmly calling for me or asking a salesclerk for help, he goes into panic mode and you can literally... more

When Ben was 4 years old and had only been home with us for about 2 months, he decided that he didn't want to leave the park where we were playing. I told him twice that it was time to leave, and he decided to ignore my request. Since he chose to ignore me, I did what I had done many times before with my other children...I said, "I'm leaving...goodbye", and turned around and walked away.

With my four older children who came to me by birth, it generally always worked and they would decide to come with me after all. It never seemed to induce feelings of insecurity or terror at all; "goodbye" just meant that Mom really was leaving, so you better grab your shoes out of the sandbox and... more

We took family photos over Easter and I thought it would help my youngest kids feel more grounded to see us all together. For Micheline, however, the new photos raised questions in her mind.

I've been struggling to blog this week due to overwhelming family responsibilities, but none of them hit me like the brick my daughter tossed my way tonight. She's 6...emotionally much younger sometimes, but for the most part right on target as a 6 year old except for the fact that she's had more pain and... more

Yesterday, I offered 3 tips for helping your child overcome his or her fears of the dark. Today I would like to discuss three more.

If you have lullabies or other soothing music that can help your child fall asleep more easily, put the music in a CD player, turn it on very softly and leave it on repeat, so should she wake up frightened in the middle of the night, she will have her comforting music to lull her back to sleep. If your... more

In my previous post, I discussed being afraid of the dark. Some adoptive parents who have never experienced this fear pooh-pooh the idea when their children mention it.

I've often read of parents on adoption groups talking about making their new child "cry it out" when night time rolled around because they don't want their child to be dependent on them at night time. One mother stated she let her newly arrived 6 year old child sit on the... more

When I was a young child I was deathly afraid of the dark. I'm not sure what led to my fear, but after turning out the light I would run and jump into my bed, making sure that I didn't touch the tile between the throw rug and my bed. The rug was safe...sort of like "home" in Hide and Seek. After getting in bed, if I tucked my sheets and blankets under my legs, then nothing under my bed could reach up and grab me.

Of course a monster under the bed made no sense, because I always made sure to check under there before... more