Recently I received a question from a reader about her soon to be adopted daughter’s inappropriate clothing choices. If you have parented older children from the foster care system or adopted from an orphanage then you have probably dealt with these issues as well. It may help you, to help your child, if you understand where these habits originated. We were a little surprised and disgusted when we realized what was happening at our house. Our first sibling group, a teenager, and her younger sister helped to train us when we were new foster and adoptive parents. The teenager would... more

A grandmother wants to parent her nine-year-old granddaughter, but at the same time, wants her granddaughter to have a mother and father. The grandmother worries about being too old to parent the child herself. Perhaps she will not live long enough to see her granddaughter graduate and then another family would have to be found anyway. In the end, grandmother chooses to let another family adopt her granddaughter with hopes of continuing her relationship as the grandmother. The adoptive family chooses to cut off contact with the grandmother after the adoption. The grandmother... more

We have survived 14 years of foster parenting because we are stubborn, consistent, and hate failure. We had already adopted five children and did not intend to adopt another teenage daughter. However, CPS (Children Protective Services) knows that I will offer temporary help in a crisis. That is how our 15-year-old foster daughter arrived at our home. She was only supposed to stay a few days until an appropriate placement could be found. We never thought CPS would consider leaving her with us. You see in Michigan foster homes are not supposed to have more than eight children... more

In my two previous blogs, I discussed the apparent uselessness of discipline in correcting behavior when the child has fetal alcohol effect. I drew this conclusion after 25 years of parenting, with 14 of those years parenting special needs children through the foster care system. The children with fetal alcohol effect who received consistent discipline over the years as well as moral training grew into resentful, bitter adults without modified behavior. Based on this evidence I now believe that it is preferable to raise these children in a happy, loving home and let life offer... more

Yesterday, I blogged about the ability of a child with fetal alcohol effect to control sneaking, lying, or stealing. I drew the conclusion that controlling sneaking, lying, or stealing is outside the ability of a child with fetal alcohol effect. This conclusion was based on the similar behaviors of children with fetal alcohol effect regardless of race, gender, adoptive status, or geographic location. Now we must consider whether discipline for inappropriate behavior is appropriate for children who have no control over their behavior. Would it be more appropriate to ignore... more

Many years ago, a young woman called me for information about foster care. She told me that she did not intend to adopt because she already had three young children. However, she realized that there was a need for foster homes and she wanted to help. As I listened, she explained that she really only wanted to foster infants and toddlers. I asked her if she really thought that she could provide a home to a young child for 12 to 18 months and then walk away. I also explained that our agency had many homes on a waiting list who wanted an infant or a toddler to adopt. Our agency really... more

You have adopted a sibling group. The siblings that are of the same gender share a bedroom. As you walk into the bedroom one morning, you are nearly overcome by the pungent odor of urine. Upon further investigation, you realize the odor is permeating from the carpet in front of the dressers. In fact, the carpet is wet with urine in quite a large area. The siblings that you adopted seem oblivious to the odor and to your investigation. You comment, to no one in particular, “There is pee all over the carpet over here and it makes the bedroom smell bad. I’m glad I don’t have to sleep... more

Today was our annual foster care license inspection. In Michigan, a foster care license is valid for two years. However, an inspection, as well as all of the paperwork required for a renewal, is required every year. Although we have been licensed foster parents with the same agency for 14 years, the annual license inspection still stresses me out. Fortunately, all of my children pitch in to get the house in order when necessary. It is a family project with siblings picking up their bedrooms, putting their laundry away, and whatever else needs to be done. With two toddlers... more

Stubbornness must be a hereditary trait because I see my adopted daughters setting their jaw exactly like their birthparents and grandparents. One of the advantages of an open adoption is realizing your daughters’ come by some traits quite honestly. Hopefully, that helps us parents not to take it personally. I thought my daughter, who is now an adult, was stubborn growing up until I met my recently adopted 10-year-old daughter. She continues to give grief over schoolwork. Last year I thought she was purposely not doing schoolwork because she wanted to be homeschooled... more

Some people have strong opinions about whether children should sleep with their parents. For young infants there is a safety issue. Obviously, a tiny baby could easily be suffocated by an adult rolling over in bed while asleep. But, how many times has an exhausted mom, desperate for a few minutes of sleep, snuggled her baby in bed in the middle of the night. I have fallen asleep that way many times over the past 24 year of parenting. What parent would turn away a toddler scared awake by a loud crack of thunder at three in the morning? Of course, these are exceptions and... more