Adopting a Sibling

This is a hard post to write because I still have mixed feelings about this topic:  Birth mom visits.  In the case of our three youngest, prior to mom's voluntary termination in July of 2010, they had had weekly visits with her, supervised at the CPS office.  At the mediation, we agreed to twice monthly visits until adoption, followed by quarterly visits thereafter supervised by me or my hubby.  We also had a "missed visit" clause; if she missed two consecutive visits for any reason, we could stop the visits all together.  Any adjustments or rescheduling was completely at our discretion. So here we are.  I was just reviewing the stats; we saw her in September of 2010, she then missed all her… [more]

Last month, I posted about the book Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control . . .The book was really helpful in reminding me that traumatized kids are easily re-traumatized and that I need to get a handle on my own stress if I don't simply want to make matters worse. I am making progress -- but more slowly than I'd like.  The techniques definitely work over time; it's just so hard to implement them consistently.  The holidays were really challenging in this regard. Amongst the things I've realized is that - doh! - having 5 kids makes for a very noisy household.  Having a 2, 3 and 4 year old makes this even more true.  And finally, my own cortisol levels… [more]

A Song for the Littles

Lately I have been reading a lot of blogs dealing with infertility.  It must be in the air or something.  The great lengths people sometimes go to only to discover they are still not pregnant; it's heartbreaking. When we decided to adopt the first time (in 1996), it was a different world in adoption.  There was not the huge shortage of babies there are today; domestic adoptions were common and most people could have an infant within a couple of years.  Obviously, this is not the case today.  So many teens and young women who maintain their pregnancies now parent their children.  So when I got an email from another adoptive parent saying someone close to her was looking for infant adoption for their first child, well I pondered it. My first… [more]

Beyond consequences, logic and control: a love based approach to helping children with severe behaviors is a book by Heather Forbes dealing, primarily, with attachment issues.  This is a very interesting book with an unusual approach to helping traumatized children, which includes not only foster kids, but children who spent time in NICU, children who have been involved in serious accidents, grieving children etc.  Because she recommends a "love based" way of dealing  with behaviors, her approach could be tried on any child, not just those with the most severe behaviors. The main premise of the book is the hardest part to wrap your head around;  the premise is that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear.  She goes on to

When our older girls were pre-schoolers, people often asked us, "Are they sisters?"  Even though I knew they meant no harm, the question irked me.  "In every way that counts," I'd reply. 13 years later, they are unquestionably sisters although they are not biologically related.  People who phone the house cannot tell the two girls from me on answering!  Yet they are also teenagers, seeking to individuate and looking at their identity as members of their birth families as well as members of our family. When we adopted our three little ones, the whole nature of "sibling" changed in our house.  We brought in a sibling group of three, two of whom were strongly bonded although they were only toddlers.  We did not… [more]

Okay, I admit it, we have not traveled much since expanding our family.  There is a two-fold reason:  A family of seven does not fit easily into most host's homes nor a single hotel room.  But that's the secondary reason. Visiting people when you have 3 toddlers, one or two with attachment issues, can be challenging.  Almost a year ago, we stayed with Dear Hubby's parents for the first time.  I was a nervous wreck.  They have a lovely home with many valuable treasures but that isn't the biggest concern;  my real worry was fit-throwing and general anti-social behavior.  We had plenty of that, rest assured.  We did our best to explain to the folks that the kids were… [more]

I've put my detective hat back on.  It's crazy.  It turns out that having 5 kids means that at any moment one of them is needing medical intervention, one is needing emotional support, and one is needing some disciplinary measures.  I love the ever changing tapestry of life in a large family! So right now, my detective hat is on for our 2-1/2 year old, fondly referred to as the Blitz.  He has -- how shall I say this -- diaper trouble.  We just cannot get to the bottom of it, so to speak.   In the past two weeks, we've been to the pediatrician, the lab, the pediatric gastroenterologist, back to the lab and to the pediatric allergist.  Our next visit will… [more]

Yesterday was National Adoption Day and we did it up big.   One year ago we adopted our three "Littles," then 1, 2 and 3 years.  We have decided to make National Adoption Day the day we celebrate all 5 kids' adoptions. We are going to be away from home on Thanksgiving -- a fact that is very upsetting to my teens -- so I fixed turkey, dressing and the works.  We had a lovely dinner at the "special table"( as The Captain says) complete with china. Grandma lives nearby but won't be with us on Thanksgiving so it was extra nice to have her at the table.   It was the Little's first time to eat on the good dishes.  The… [more]

We've had a crazy week with our three "Littles."  For the first time in my life as a parent (15 years now), I am learning about genetic similarity.  It's weird.  The Blitz has finally reduced his whole house destruction to the kids' room;  he bombs the room with all the toys in the toy box at least once per day.  This is what Tinker did when she first got here.  He is now almost the age "the Captain" was when the kids got here and he is the Captain reincarnated.  Heavens to Betsy.  He has tantrums, oh my he has tantrums!  Anything that is not his way is the end of the world.  The difference between The Captain's… [more]